The first rule of Ace's World is: You don't talk about Ace's World.
The second rule of Ace's World is: YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT ACE'S WORLD!!!
The third rule of Ace's World is: No porno. That means no nudity: no
exposed genitals, balloon-knots, or female nipples. Absolutely no actual sex of
any sort. Cheesecake is allowed. The sort of shots that would be allowed in
Sports Illustrated, a Victoria's Secret catalogue, or a Calvin Klein ad are
allowed here. The sort of pictures which run in Gent, Score, Double-D, Black
Tail, Juggs, or Inches.
2. Fielding - 3/20/2001 1:13:52 PM
Yeah, Baby!!
3. bubbaette - 3/20/2001 1:14:56 PM
I wonder what would make a suitable thread warming gift? A case of Milwaulkee's Best?
4. Fielding - 3/20/2001 1:14:57 PM
How come the women in Victories Secret don't have nipples?
5. bubbaette - 3/20/2001 1:15:25 PM
They're mutants.
6. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:16:02 PM
Sorry, that last sentence should end: "... are NOT allowed here."
The fourth rule of Ace's World is: The RoE is still in effect. No
privacy violations, no spamming. The rule against "needlessly abusive" posts is
relaxed, but keep it funny. Boring, nasty spats with no greater audience than
you and the dope you're fighting with will be moved or deleted.
The
fifth rule of Ace's World is: Women are welcome! But women must pay us homage,
and above all else, women must RESPECT THE COCK.
7. Fielding - 3/20/2001 1:16:37 PM
Obviously, that's "Victoria's Secret".
8. bubbaette - 3/20/2001 1:17:15 PM
OK, I'm outta here.
9. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 1:20:43 PM
Boring, nasty spats with no greater audience than you and the dope you're
fighting with will be moved or deleted.
I am gratified to know there
will be but limited contact between ScottLoar and AceofSpades.
10. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:21:56 PM
Reposted Rules:
The first rule of Ace's World is: You don't talk
about Ace's World.
The second rule of Ace's World is: YOU DON'T TALK
ABOUT ACE'S WORLD!!!
The third rule of Ace's World is: No porno. That
means no nudity: no exposed genitals, balloon-knots, or female nipples.
Absolutely no actual sex of any sort. Cheesecake is allowed. The sort of shots
that would be allowed in Sports Illustrated, a Victoria's Secret catalogue, or a
Calvin Klein ad are allowed here. The sort of pictures which run in Gent, Score,
Double-D, Black Tail, Juggs, or Inches are NOT allowed here.
Judgement
calls will be made by myself and whoever is handy. Pictures that cross the line
will simply be deleted, not moved to another thread.
The fourth rule of
Ace's World is: The RoE is still in effect. No privacy violations, no spamming.
The rule against "needlessly abusive" posts is relaxed, but keep it funny.
Boring, nasty spats with no greater audience than you and the dope you're
fighting with will be moved or deleted.
The fifth rule of Ace's World
is: Women are welcome! But women must RESPECT THE COCK.
11. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:22:57 PM
No nipples?
If it's in National Geographic, it ought to be
legal here. Besides, saying female nipples seems discriminatory.
Just my PC opinion.
12. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:24:23 PM
So, where's that pool FU posted? I'm ready to make my picks.
13. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:25:09 PM
No female nipples.
Please. There is a famous shot of a shirtless
INDIANA JONES, you know, standing upon a rope-bridge which spans two cliffs.
Are you claiming that Indy's nipples constitute "nudity"?
14. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 1:26:23 PM
Are swarthy foreigners allowed to enter?
15. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:26:51 PM
Sure. We'll all need taxis to get home.
16. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:27:44 PM
Now this is the kind of debate that's worth engaging in.
Swedes
aren't allowed because you let women go topless on your beaches.
17. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 1:28:17 PM
Swarthy, foreign subcon cheesecake:
18. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:29:13 PM
I thought Indian women all had like eight arms or something.
19. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:29:57 PM
What's that Indian woman getting ready to do with her hand?
20. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 1:32:43 PM
In Ace's world she's going to milk herself.
21. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:34:06 PM
The sixth rule of Ace's World is: We will have "Daily Themes" on
occasion. Yup, just like you did in third grade. Later Themes of the Day will be
Firearms, Nudity, Firearms & Nudity, and Nudity: Can you Shoot a Gun while
Nude?
But today's Theme of the Day is:
Francis Urquhart. Why is
he such a suckjob?
500 words or less and be sure to use only one side of
your exam book's pages.
22. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:34:58 PM
Swarthy foreigners welcome: 
23. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:35:06 PM
"In Ace's world she's going to milk herself."
In ScottLoar's
world she's going to make tea, write an erotic poem, and then fuck his brother.
24. PsychProf - 3/20/2001 1:38:09 PM
I will call this the "Sausage Thread"...
25. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:43:11 PM
Why FU is such a suck job:
He hangs around lawyers too much and
identifies too strongly with mincing characters from movies and TV. It comes
from being so short and thus needing to get some bigger bodyguard to stand up
for him on the playground when the local bully was holding him upside down
shaking lunch money and his brand new Eisenhower silver dollar out of his
pockets. As a result, he learned the best way to get along was to be smart and
witty, but also to keep the slow-moving lummoxes on your side and avoid brute
force altercations. If he was a boxer, he'd be Sugar Ray Leonard, rather than
George Foreman or Sonny Liston. Scratch that, he'd never be a boxer or even a
boxer's chauffeur. He could maybe be a boxer's younger brother who could never
knock the boxer down.
26. Fielding - 3/20/2001 1:44:09 PM
Joey LaMotta.
27. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 1:49:07 PM
Indy, I have bad news for you, real bad. Topless is out.
28. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:52:08 PM
Pelle: I never saw any topless women in Sweden anyway, but I did see them in
a park in Copenhagen. Are they totally verboten in Sweden now?
Here I
thought we Americans were the ones with the weird mammary hangup. (Though for
most in all honesty, a little support helps unless the woman is *ahem*
reclining.)
29. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:53:05 PM
Toys.
(Breast talk makes Pelle careless.)
30. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:53:25 PM
Toys?
31. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 1:53:42 PM
Here's a poem about Francis Urquhart:
Francis Urquhart
Francis Urquhart
You suck so bad
Really really bad
You keep
changing your name
But a suckjob by any other name
still sucks
Why did you sell out the cause at the drop of a hat?
Why do you suck
up to the establishment so badly?
How come you're so fucking short?
Francis Urquhart
Francis Urquhart
Are you a virgin?
Francis
Urquhart is a virgin
No woman I know has ever slept with him, at least
And I know a lot of women
When I describe Francis Urquhart to the women
I know
They say, "Why are telling me about this horrible, short, fey
suckjob?
"Now take off your pants so I can give you a blowjob."
Francis Urquhart
Francis Urquhart
No one likes you.
Not even
a little bit.
You're not funny.
You think you're funny?
I don't.
I think you're a suckjob.
Francis Urquhart
Francis Urquhart
Suckjob
Suckjob
Jazz.
32. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 1:54:45 PM
It's not verboten. It's just not a chic thing for the chicks anymore.
33. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 1:54:46 PM
Pelle,
Why?
34. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 1:56:05 PM
I move we make "Ode to Francis 'Suckjob' Urquhart" the official anthem of Ace's World. Do I have a second?
35. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:00:04 PM
Naw, let people write their own slams of Francis Urquhart before we cut
off the competition.
I liked your slam as well.
How come he
sucks so bad?
It's a mystery.
36. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:06:30 PM
Bruce Campell as Ash, the poet-philospher and Patron Saint of Ace's
World.
37. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 2:09:20 PM
Dialogue between FU and his boxer brother, Jake:
FU: "You want me to
hit ya?"
Jake: "I want you to hit me with everything you got, I want you
to fuckin' lay me out, go ahead."
FU: "You sure?"
Jake: "Yeah."
FU: "Alright."
Jake: "Harder! You throw a punch like your takin'
it up the ass, harder, harder. Harder."
FU: "That's hard ya fuck, what
do ya want?"
Jake: "Take it off. Take it off."
FU: "Ah, come on,
ya wanna stop now, that's enough with that...don't fuck around, a girl huh."
Jake: "I'm gonna smack you again, throw it again."
FU: "That's
enough, I said that's enough."
38. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:09:55 PM
This... is my Boom-Stick!
39. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:11:26 PM
I
heard there's some pussy around here named Francis... I'm here to kick his ass.
40. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 2:15:43 PM
Bruce Campbell--- the man whose eyebrows deserve separate billing.
The man is King of Camp.
Did you watch his Western show? I
thought it started off really well but then the writing deteriorated pretty
badly and even having Dixie Cousins sing "Stake My Claim" in every third episode
couldn't save 'em.
41. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:23:20 PM
I had hopes for that show, but I never watched it.
My girlfriend
watches it in syndication, a bit. She seems to like it.
42. janjon - 3/20/2001 2:24:32 PM
The first topic of the day is....frankie?
Ycchh.
As for your
querry, the answer is simple - he was the runt of his litter. From that the rest
of it flowed. Downhill, alas, but flow it did.
Next.
Pelle.
Topless is out? Don't tell me that Sweden has become skin cancer sensitive.
43. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 2:25:44 PM
Christin
I don't know. Society has on the whole become a bit more
prudish. Perhaps it has something to do with HIV.
44. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 2:27:10 PM
"As for your querry, the answer is simple - he was the runt of his litter.
From that the rest of it flowed. Downhill, alas, but flow it did. "
I
find this explanation implausible. Surely such an abortion of a human being
cannot be blamed solely on a single root cause.
45. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 2:29:04 PM
The first season of Brisco County Jr. is really the only excellent one. After that it was good and then only nominally better than whatever else was on at that time slot.
46. janjon - 3/20/2001 2:31:26 PM
I dunno. Four or five siblings, all older, bigger, meaner (meaning stronger
and therefore able to get by with it while he wasn't), at least three of them
equally clever (not hard to do when you consider it is frankie we're assessing).
Add it all up, BOFFO.
I agree that society seems to have become more
prudish over the past twenty years or so. Can't be just fear of HIV.
47. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 2:35:03 PM
Pelle,
How very odd. I hate that whole Puritain backlash thing. It
serves no purpose except to make folks miserable.
48. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 2:42:00 PM
what are balloon-knots?
49. bubbaette - 3/20/2001 2:44:52 PM
The way you tie a balloon after you blow it up.
50. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 2:48:25 PM
Ask a stupid question...
51. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 3:27:58 PM
a balloon-knot is a butthole.
52. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 3:40:04 PM
hahaha, I hadn't heard that one before. It gives a whole new meaning to the conversation I had with my mother the other day. She's thinking of entertaining at childrens' parties and I said "Ooooh! Then you'll be able to show of your incredible balloon-knotting skills!"
55. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 3:50:51 PM
ScottLoar, if you want to fight with me, you're going to have to do a
whole lot better than you've done so far.
Why don't you warm up a bit
with JanJon?
56. ChristinO - 3/20/2001 3:50:58 PM
whut oh?
57. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 3:51:43 PM
Maybe you two can fight about who's more priggish and intellectually insecure?
60. Jenerator - 3/20/2001 3:57:53 PM
Last week, my husband and I were in the Dominican Republic soaking up the sun
and enjoying how beautiful everything was. The second day there, we strolled
down to the beach. He was wearing the typical male American swimsuit that came
about four inches above his knee, and I was in a bikini. After we got
comfortable on our towels, he exclaimed, "Oh my! Look over there. That woman's
topless." Out of curiosity, I looked and exclaimed somewhat sarcastically, "Oh
my gosh....BOOBS!" Then he realized after looking closely that the woman was in
her seventies. He responded, "Yeah, boobs." He never looked again.
The
Germans and the French ran around half naked the whole time and it was those
women who should have worn tops.
No man with a good body had a speedo
on. Still, it was cute in a surreal way.
61. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:17:19 PM
Madchen Amick, the hottest chick I have ever seen.
63. DanDillon - 3/20/2001 4:27:27 PM
Ace,
Demand that Jen post a picture of herself in a bikini right
away. If you do not, you will have failed as host of this thread, and, worse
still, you will bring shame to the Spades family name.
64. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:28:34 PM
My Post 62 was deleted because the picture didn't show up.
JanJon's post 58 was deleted because it was posted by JanJon, and he
annoys me.
Further deletions will be made as I see fit.
65. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:29:13 PM
Jen,
You really should post pics from your honeymoon.
So
we can all celebrate the happy event.
66. janjon - 3/20/2001 4:29:23 PM
Well, enjoy your thread, big boy.
67. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:31:10 PM
ScottLoar's Post 53 has been deleted, because he is a foreigner, and an
imbecile.
JanJon's Post 54 has been deleted, because I so enjoyed
deleting his moronic post 58.
More deletions to come. I hope to have
this thread trimmed to four or five posts by the end of the day.
68. wonkers2 - 3/20/2001 4:32:55 PM
Why not confine this thread to visuals only?
69. janjon - 3/20/2001 4:34:23 PM
I suspect you had better delete quickly, because the odds are that there
won't be a lot a fresh ones coming along.
I would have thought you were
better at this than you seem to be.
I mean, everyone should have at
least one area where they can shine. At least a bit.
Heap big smoke?
Nah. Little puff puffs.
70. Fielding - 3/20/2001 4:34:25 PM
Keep it up Ace. You built it, and now you can break it. Who cares about the
people who supported you? I say Fuck 'em all!
71. Fielding - 3/20/2001 4:35:17 PM
Ace: The Al Gore of Thread Hosts.
72. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:37:18 PM
Jan,
Well, I'm sort of busy today.
Plus, there really
aren't too many people posting today.
Give it time.
Will this
thread turn out to be a colossal embarassment? We can only hope so.
73. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:38:32 PM
It would help if Francis were here, considering that Francis is this week's
Enemy of the Week.
But I expect he's having his bikini-line waxed.
74. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 4:39:17 PM
My comments about AceOfSpades embarrass him; they cut to the mark and so are deleted.
75. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:42:34 PM
"My comments about AceOfSpades embarrass him"
They embarassed the
whole thread, quite frankly.
I mean, this was your post, responding to
the revelation that "balloon-knot" means "butthole":
"Ace0fSpade's
specialty is male balloon-knots."
Come on. We can't have lame put-downs
like that here. There is a minimum level of quality we strive for.
I
don't blame you. English is probably not your first language. Nor your second,
third, or fourth. And I realize it's hard to think of good insults when your
mind is preoccupied by dreams of flat-chested girls covered in curry.
Nevertheless, your post was deleted, for the good of the thread. Most
likely, all your posts will be deleted.
76. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 4:45:10 PM
Whack away, Master Hand-pumper, whack away!
77. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:46:19 PM
I just got so angry at the Imbecile ScottLoar that I deleted my own post
59.
78. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 4:46:38 PM
Now, Ace, I started the discussion asking a stupid question which generated the kind of answers that followed.
79. janjon - 3/20/2001 4:48:23 PM
Acey. Just a note of caution. You already are perilously close to talking
only to yourself. I mean, it is likely indeed that frankie will show up (at
least for a bit, until he remembers all the trouble he got into around here when
The Man's Thread was around. Then, he'll predictably chicken
out again.)
But, you aren't exactly starting off with a legion of
friends and supporters.
80. DanDillon - 3/20/2001 4:48:41 PM
Ace,
Shut the fuck up and give us what we want. You're boring and
plain. Make us giggle with delight. Tease our balloon-knots and tweak our
stiffened nipples. We want you to really suck. Hard.
82. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 4:49:18 PM
And I still can't fathom how balloon-whatever applies to what I think it is now.
83. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:49:57 PM
"You already are perilously close to talking only to yourself."
Fine
by me. Who needs you?
You know what you need? You need some good
deletions, that's what you need.
84. Fielding - 3/20/2001 4:51:35 PM
Post 81 was moved here from the Rants thread. Gee, this thread hosting stuff
sure is fun.
85. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 4:52:30 PM
Ace
A bit of advice from one who has been there. A wide-ranging
deletion policy, while admirable, is time consuming and cuts down on sleeping
time. Insidious foreigners living in un-American time zones can creep up on you
and hit where it hurts.
86. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:52:56 PM
Post 81 has been moved back to the Rants Thread.
87. Fielding - 3/20/2001 4:48:19 PM
Ace has stretch markes on his palm!
88. ScottLoar - 3/20/2001 4:55:04 PM
Ace is plain and boring, also frenetic as a gerbil on speed.
89. Fielding - 3/20/2001 4:55:07 PM
It's BAAAAACK!!
90. Frankster - 3/20/2001 4:55:41 PM
Ace,
Are the wimmin in here okay for this thread ?
www.trashy.com
Uh, don't let the address fool you.
91. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:55:56 PM
Ah, well I think this post-moving and deleting business is funny, but
other people don't, so your stupid post can stay.
For the moment.
92. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 4:57:16 PM
What this thread needs
But let's
make our own picks. First 32 nominations (or 64, or whenever we run out of creme
de la creme and are down to butterfat). Then a pentathlon competition to choose
the Ace World Uber-Fraulein.
Events for the pentathlon: nude mud
wrestling, topless beach volleyball, Victoria's secret evening wear competition,
race to get to the center of a tootsie pop (no chewing allowed, dammit!), and
grand finale: contestants wear a Lara Croft outfit while climbing a greased pole
to the Ace's World Penthouse for some personal quality time with the judges.
Nominations?
I'm sure Fielding will second Jennifer Connelly.
I'll throw in Catherine Zeta Jones and from the SI contigent, Yamilla Diaz and
Daniela Pestova.
93. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:57:27 PM
Frank,
I guess. Just no real nudity.
94. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 4:57:58 PM
I nominate Madchen Amick.
95. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 4:58:24 PM
What this thread needs (instead of a bad link)
96. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 4:59:28 PM
Ace is just pissing out territory. Momentariliy he will return to his normal, affable self.
97. Frankster - 3/20/2001 5:00:01 PM
Ace,
Yeah, I thought so. I meant to add to go into the "Shop by
Model" section, by the way.
Shit, back to work.
98. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:00:04 PM
Katie Holmes, Elizabeth Hurley, Salma Hayek. They're on that list; I
nominate them for ours.
99. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:03:03 PM
Indy:
Jennifer Connelly is a beautiful woman. Nonetheless, she is far
from my ideal. I would not see a film just because she was in it, and I do not
like the vast majority of her films. I like exactly one Jennifer Connelly film,
although I will admit that when The Hot Spot is on, I don't change the
channel.
Now, Emannuelle Beart is another story. If I had the vaguest
clue how to copy photos off the internet, this thread would have wall to wall
coverage.
100. Odin - 3/20/2001 5:03:37 PM
Snatch.
101. janjon - 3/20/2001 5:04:00 PM
I want 100 because it is likely to be the only "significant" post number this
thread will get.
For one reason or the other.
102. Odin - 3/20/2001 5:04:24 PM
(Who knows how long this thread will live?)
103. janjon - 3/20/2001 5:04:58 PM
oh well.
104. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:05:39 PM
Mia Sara. God, she is beautiful.
Pictures are copied like this:
LEFT ANGLE BRACKETimg src="the url for the photo; you find it by
right-clicking on Properties, then copying the URL"RIGHT ANGLE BRACKET
Be sure not to bother trying this for any picture with Geocities in
its URL, because it won't work.
105. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:06:52 PM
Fielding: We're just talking about beauty (or oomph) here. I doubt Yamilla
Diaz or Daniela Pestova can act either.
BTW, The Rocketeer was
okay in my book.
106. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:06:59 PM
I nominate Anna Kournikova, Penelope Cruz, and Adriana Sklenarikova.
Heidi Klum, but only if she smiles. When she makes that uber-scowl, I
just want to belt her.
All Europeans, my nominees.
107. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:08:11 PM
Snatch.
Odin is a god of few words.
108. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:09:16 PM
Connelly gets in by virtue of her reading of the line "I love you,
Fielding.".
109. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:09:53 PM
Its about time this thread got to a discussion of snatch.
110. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:12:16 PM
Mia Sara,
from Ferris Bueller.
Is there anyone here who hasn't been in love with
her since 1985?
111. janjon - 3/20/2001 5:14:55 PM
She's just a little red x to me.
112. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:15:18 PM
Really? That sucks.
113. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:15:49 PM
When I was younger I thought Mira Sara was hot, but she's getting up there,
now. Whatever happened to Meredith Salenger? She had some meat on her bones. I
think skinnys usually don't age as well as women with some flesh. Their faces
get too drawn looking.
Speaking of age, does Cindy Crawford still have
it? Or not?
114. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 5:15:52 PM
Something has to be done to get the women posters in here. Otherwise, I will get a reputation as worthshiping the you know what.
115. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 5:17:49 PM
I mean, worshiping.
116. Odin - 3/20/2001 5:19:08 PM
yc is in heat. Can't type anymore.
117. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:19:52 PM
Who is Odin, anyway? Are you new here, or are you Uzmakk?
118. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:21:30 PM
Meredith Salenger refused to do nudity, and nobody would hire her to act in a
real movie, so she's mostly doing movies for USA and Lifetime.
119. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:21:42 PM
IIRC, worship wasn't required. Just respect.
120. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:24:00 PM
Fielding: I saw her in some movie with "Kiss" in the title and Joanna Pacula, I believe. She may not have done nudity, but she filled out a bikini nicely.
121. PelleNilsson - 3/20/2001 5:26:13 PM
Ace
My mail to you bounced. But I see you found your way to the
maintenance site.
My guess is that Odin in somebody who doesn't really
want to be seen in this unsavoury milieu.
122. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:27:50 PM
Haha.
I thought Odin went incognito among mortals, not that mortals
went incognito as Odin.
123. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:30:07 PM
Tuesday March 20, 4:20 pm Eastern Time
TheStandard.com
Salon.com
to Charge for Ad-Free Content
By Kenneth Li
Embattled Salon.com
plans to make users pay for an ad-free version of its online magazine, the
company announced in a letter to readers this morning.
Users who don't
mind viewing ads online will continue to be able to access the site for free,
the company said.
Salon, which attracted 2.7 million unique visitors in
February, hopes to convert 1 to 2 percent of its current readers to a paying
subscriber base of readers who are willing to shell out $30 a year for a
"premium" version of the site's current offerings. The premium version will
include staff-written stories that will not be available to free users, the
company said, but it remains unclear exactly what the nature of premium content
would be, and what additional costs Salon would have to assume to create that
premium content.
Note that this happened the very same
day Ace's World was created.
"I have seen the future of e-space, and
it is named Ace's World." -- Howie Kurtz
124. janjon - 3/20/2001 5:44:48 PM
Lessee. Howie Kurtz shines shoes next to you?
125. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:52:06 PM
Well, people seem upset because there's not enough "content" in this
thread.
So I will provide some content.
As some of you may know,
I am a budding screenwriter. So I guess I will present the beginning of my
screenplay to the group to comment upon.
One note: As you also know, I'm
a big fan of Dungeons & Dragons and other Role-Playing games. So my
screenplay is based, to a large degree, on some of the magical adventures I've
had through the years, playing D&D.
So, without further wait, the
screenplay you've all wondered about:
THE SWORD OF GONDLEBREATH
126. jexster - 3/20/2001 5:53:30 PM
I love ya Acie!
127. Fielding - 3/20/2001 5:53:47 PM
Why don't you call it the sword of "Jizzbreath". Then it would be
autobiographical.
128. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:54:18 PM
THE SWORD OF GONDLEBREATH
FADE IN:
Two
ADVENTURERES suddenly APPEAR in a medieval TAVERN.
One adventurer is
BEORN BEANDLEBUTT, a second-level Fighter and First-level Cleric. A human.
The other is STINKY THE ELF, a Third-level Rogue.
We now begin
our epic tale...
STINKY THE ELF
Hey, what's up.
BEORN
BEANDLEBUTT
Hey.
STINKY
So. what's going on?
BEORN
BEANDLEBUTT
Nothing really. What's going on with you?
STINKY
Eh.
Nothing. You know.
BEORN BEANDLEBUTT
Same here, same here.
STINKY
Nice sword. What is that, +2?
BEORN BEANDLEBUTT
No, just +1. But it's +3 when the moon is full,
and when used against
werejackals.
STINKY
That doesn't really happen too often, huh?
BEORN
Not really, no.
STINKY
Well, it looks nice anyway.
BEORN
Yeah. Thanks.
STINKY
Don't mention it.
BEORN
Yeah.
STINKY
Yuhp.
BEORN
(sighs)
STINKY
I hear that.
129. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:54:55 PM
SUDDENLY. from out of the shadows, and OLD MAN appears.
STINKY THE
ELF
Hey, Old Man. You have any hot "rumors" for us?
OLD MAN
(rolling a d20; coming up with an 8)
Yes. Yes. I have a rumor for you
strapping adventurers.
I have heard. heard of a tribe of kobolds, living
just outside
the town, who attack and loot the King's caravans.
STINKY THE ELF
We did that already.
OLD MAN
You did?
STINKY
Yeah. We killed them. Look--
(displays Tiara)
I got
this magic tiara off the Kobold Chieftain.
BEORN
Cool. What's that
do?
STINKY
It provides me with +1 Protection against the Elements.
BEORN
Elementals?
STINKY
No, the elements. Like rain.
BEORN
So when it rains, you don't get wet?
STINKY
No, I
get wet. But less wet. I take minus one to
wetness rolls.
BEORN
Ohhh.
130. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:55:04 PM
OLD MAN
(rolling a d20, this time coming up with a 12)
I have heard
tales. stories passed from father to
son, and then to generations yet
unborn. a tale
of an Arch-Lich, who lives just beyond the Black Barrows,
and who hordes a fabulous treasure, including a +5 Bow
of Slaying.
STINKY
Nope. That's the "false" rumor.
BEORN
Totally.
Way beyond our level. Roll again, Old Man.
OLD MAN
No! It is not a
false rumor! It is a True Rumor! There
is an Arch-Lich, of great magical
power.
BEORN
Blah blah blah. We're third fucking level, Old Man.
An Arch-Lich is like Twenty-Fifth Level. No way any
Dungeon Master is
going to throw us up against that.
Now roll the die again, and get to the
Real Rumors.
Tell us something about Blink Dogs, or Stirges.
STINKY
THE ELF
Or a Mephit. Something appropriate to our level.
OLD MAN
Oh, very goddamned well.
(rolls again)
I have heard. heard a tale
long in the telling.
STINKY
Skip to it. I just saw over the Dungeon
Master's
Screen. It's a tribe of Lizard Men, right?
OLD MAN
.many men have died to protect this secret, many
noble heroes.
BEORN
Is it Lizard Men or not?
OLD MAN
Oh, for god's
sakes. Yes, it's fucking Lizard Men.
STINKY THE ELF
*Now* we're
cooking with gas.!
131. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 5:55:31 PM
To be continued...
132. Indiana Jones - 3/20/2001 5:55:41 PM
So my screenplay is based, to a large degree, on some of the magical
adventures I've had through the years,
Hey, who hit Ace with the fag
bat?
133. janjon - 3/20/2001 5:55:49 PM
If this were the Apollo Theater, the hook would already be out.
134. Fielding - 3/20/2001 6:00:55 PM
Well, I laughed. Very nice, Ace!
135. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 6:01:28 PM
Laughed?
It's a Heroic Epic, jackass. What were you "laughing"
at?
136. Fielding - 3/20/2001 6:05:07 PM
You were making fun of D&D geeks. You were satirizing people who have no
life. You were skewering the whole gaming scene.
Weren't you?
137. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 6:06:40 PM
NO IT'S A SERIOUS SCREENPLAY ABOUT EPIC ADVENTURE IN THE MAGICAL LANDS OF
PHAGMERE!!!
I will not post any more of it if dickheads like you are
going to tear down my work!
138. janjon - 3/20/2001 6:07:51 PM
(remember, Acey - flexibility is the name of the game. If they think it is satire, so be it. Whatever sells, eh?)
139. ycmeehan - 3/20/2001 6:21:10 PM
Ace, please, tell Odin to watch his language as far as I am concerned.
140. msgreer - 3/20/2001 6:52:33 PM
Excuse me, Ace. Female entering your thread..but I did vote yea. I have a question for the men. Tell me about jealousy between women. Yes, from the male point of view. What do women tell you about jealousy or do they hide it in some vague criticism of another woman?
141. Frankster - 3/20/2001 6:55:15 PM
Ace,
Yeah, I thought so. I meant to add to go into the "Shop by
Model" section, by the way.
Shit, back to work.
142. msgreer - 3/20/2001 6:55:19 PM
Btw, I feel jealous is a wasted emotion. There has to be something deeper
going on than jealousy.
143. Frankster - 3/20/2001 7:00:54 PM
Oops, that's what I get for leaving the place with my last mesage in the posting window ?
144. Frankster - 3/20/2001 7:11:04 PM
( What's wrong with me ? That last post should have been sans a question
mark.)
Cindy Crawford never had it in my book. She's too
prettywith a lanky supermodel figure unlike that of the voluptuous
Celeste (Ace's favorite porn star ) or Chasey Lain, and that mole has got to go.
It is rare to find a supermodel without that skinny soft look. They must have
some meat on their bones, with some athleticism(sp?) in their look ala Anna
Kournicova.
...I could play with a woman like Anna all day, and not just on
the tennis court. ;-)
I'll try to find the "look" I'm referring to and
see if they will post here. I promise, no porn.
145. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 7:11:23 PM
THE SWORD OF GONDLEBREATH, PART II:
THE ROAD TO ELMINSTERSHIRE
When last we saw our Brave Adventurers, they were preparing to ride
to Elminstershire, to fight a band of savage Lizard Men.
But the Road to
Elminstershire has not been kind to them. They were attacked by troop of
Hobgoblins and were forced to flee, leaving behind their provisions and tents
and water-jugs.
We now see them, huddled around a weakly-sputtering
campfire, in misting rain, in gloomy night.
146. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 7:12:36 PM
EXT. CAMP IN RAINY FOREST -- NIGHT
BEORN BEANDELBUTT and STINKY THE
ELF are now cold and hungry, because they took nothing except combat skills
instead of Survivor Skills or Hunting ability, WHICH I EXPLICTLY WARNED THEM NOT
TO DO.
So now they're hungry, and will soon have to begin saving vs.
Constitution or suffer -1 to Strength. Which is their own damn fault.
STINKY THE ELF
Well. Here we are.
BEORN BEANDLEBUTT
Yuhp. Nothing going on.
STINKY THE ELF
As usual.
BEORN
BEANDLEBUTT
Yeahp. As usual.
STINKY
(sighs)
This sucks.
BEORN
Do we have to play this out, or
can we just skip to
tomorrow morning.
(SILENCE)
BEORN
I'm asking, Can we just
skip till tomorrow
morning?
(SILENCE)
BEORN
Yes or no.
Answer me or I'm going to the
fucking arcade.
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
Who are you talking to? There is no one here to
talk to, except for
Stinky. You are babbling
to yourself. People might think you're insane.
BEORN
No, I'm talking to YOU, the Dungeon Master.
VOICE FROM
THE HEAVENS
There is no Dungeon Master. You are speaking
to no one. You
might have to begin saving
against insanity.
BEORN
Oh, for
Christ's sakes. Just tell me: Do we
HAVE to role-play this?
VOICE
FROM THE HEAVENS
A little voice inside your head says:
"Yes, you have to
role-play this."
STINKY
Great. You know what that means.
Wandering monsters.
BEORN
Yuhp. Wandering Monster City.
147. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 7:13:12 PM
STINKY
Well, then, I guess we shouldn't go
to sleep. We'll just
keep an eye out
for the Wandering Monsters.
BEORN
Okay. I'll
look North. You look South.
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
You are getting
sleepy. Your body
tells you you need to rest.
BEORN
I tell my
body to shut up.
STINKY
I tell my body, "Ni!"
(Beorn giggles
shrilly, like a ten year old girl. Stinky laughs too.)
BEORN
Ni!
STINKY
Ni!
BEORN
Niiiiii-wombbb!
STINKY
Niii-wombbb!
(More giggles. The Voice from the Heavens BOOMS again,
this time very ANNOYED.)
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
Knock it off with
that or I will roll for
Wandering Monsters.
BEORN
What's it
matter? You've got one
coming anyway.
STINKY
I say "Ni!"
(Beorn and Stinky start giggling again.)
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
You have to decide who will sleep first,
and who will take First Watch.
BEORN
Neither one of us will sleep. We're
looking out for
Wandering Monsters.
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
You don't *know* there
are any Wandering
Monsters coming.
BEORN
Yes we do.
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
No you don't.
BEORN
Yes we do.
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
No you don't. YOU might know it, but
your
*characters* don't know.
BEORN
Yes they do.
VOICE FROM THE
HEAVENS
No they don't.
BEORN
Yes they do. I used my "Sixth
Sense."
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
You don't have Sixth Sense.
STINKY THE ELF
Ni!
BEORN
I want some Doritos. Are there
any Doritos left?
VOICE FROM THE HEAVENS
There is no food to
eat. you have no
Survival Skills or Hunting ability.
BEORN
Oh,
give it a rest already! This
is so goddamned *lame*!
148. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 7:13:28 PM
To be continued...
149. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 7:34:23 PM
"Tell me about jealousy between women. Yes, from the male point of view.
What do women tell you about jealousy or do they hide it in some vague criticism
of another woman?"
I don't talk to women. Isn't it obvious?
But
seriously. No one has ever seriously confessed jealousy to me about anyone else.
Women may disguise jealousy in nasty criticism. But I don't notice. I'm
too busy doing the same thing.
150. msgreer - 3/20/2001 7:53:25 PM
Ace
I bet you have a soft belly...no pun intended.
151. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 8:00:43 PM
I don't know what that means.
152. msgreer - 3/20/2001 8:02:59 PM
Guess you need to talk to women more often. (g)
153. Greystoke - 3/20/2001 8:05:36 PM
Is this that new thread I heard about where sensitive men can come to talk
about their relationships and feelings and fears and sorrows?
Gosh, I
hope so, because I need a man-friend who has a shoulder to cry on.
154. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 8:10:17 PM
"Is this that new thread I heard about where sensitive men can come to
talk about their relationships and feelings and fears and sorrows?"
No,
that would be Francis Urquhart's upcoming thread, Francis
Urquhart's Pussies on Parade.
155. arkymalarky - 3/20/2001 8:25:32 PM
Peeking between my fingers to check the place out. Sort of anticlimactic (so to speak). Where's the keg?
156. msgreer - 3/20/2001 8:31:22 PM
arky
It's at my place. I guess the guys just want to talk. You want to have a drink with me? What's your choice? Check Mote Cafe post 40129.
157. arkymalarky - 3/20/2001 9:02:30 PM
Will do, and I'd love a drink. Whiskey's what I need after today. Been catching up in the H&G thread. A lot of action in there today. GJ should have moved some of that stuff in here.
158. marjoribanks - 3/20/2001 9:11:02 PM
Spades,
Like the idea of your thread. Don't get hassled with the idea
that you have to be its moving or prime factor, or it will burn itself out. That
ace Spades turnout should be distributed in nuggets.
As it is, quality
Spades material here lasts for maybe 20 minutes in a day.
Distill,
observe, learn, disperse.
Gratuitous advice from marjoribanks.
159. Uzmakk - 3/20/2001 9:59:30 PM
But what is the purpose of all the rubber prostheses hanging on the walls in this place? oops. I think I broke rule #1.
160. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 11:13:21 PM
Thank you, Majori.
Welcome, Uz.
I hope everyone
realizes that this thread is merely titled "Ace's World" as a compromise which
satisfies nobody. This isn't *my* thread.
I don't even particularly
*want* a thread. Too much heavy lifting.
This is supposed to be-- well,
I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be. It's supposed to serve the same
function as The Man Thread, whatever function that served.
But we can't
call it that.
So, you know: POST here if you have something interesting
to post. Don't think that I intend this to be a spotlight for me. One, I don't,
Two, I couldn't handle the spotlight, Three, I don't have enough to say, and
you've already seen all of my lame tricks.
161. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 11:14:59 PM
And to ScottLoar and JanJon:
I hope you know I deleted you
posts as a joke. When I first got a thread, back in Beta, I had fun going "mad
with power" and deleting posts capriciously, and threatening to delete posts for
no good reason.
So, I didn't really delete your posts to be
antagonistic; I was trying to do that bit again.
162. AceofSpades - 3/20/2001 11:24:53 PM
Oh, and one more thing:
If this thread doesn't work, if it turns
out extremely lame, if it's RIPped in three days, remember:
This was
all Francis Urquhart's idea, and it's all Francis Urquhart's fault.
163. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 1:32:22 AM
Well Ace, since Dr. Cazart isn't around, I guess I have to ask you ...
I went to a strip club tonight and this chick named 'Destiny' came to my
table and I bought her a glass of wine and took her for a dance. Not bad,
anorexic, a few too many tattoos for my taste.
Then this chick Malika
appears. 21, short blonde hair (the hair, not the girl,) 5'10, perfect real tits
(34C, guessing), unbelievably toned, beautiful face and smile, makes Anna
Kournikova look like Olga the syphilitic cow. Clit ring (again, not my taste)
but otherwise ungodly perfect.
So I take her for a couple of dances. And
when she's done, she gives me the biggest, longest, strongest, best hug I've
gotten since high school.
Now, I've been seeing this other chick for a
few weeks now, but it's going kinda slow. Should I follow my 'Destiny' and
pursue Malika?
164. ScottLoar - 3/21/2001 5:52:51 AM
Sure, follow Malika. A stripper gives a lonesome customer a hug. It must be love. And, misery loves company.
165. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 8:11:38 AM
Suggestions for renaming the thread:
Finca La Vigia (Ernest
Hemingway's sprawling estate and farmhouse in Cuba)
The Locker Room
(Might horn in on the Sports Bar's turf)
It's a Man's World
It's
a Man's, Man's, Man's Man's, Man's, Man's, Man's, Man's World
166. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 8:17:38 AM
Clit ring (again, not my taste)
What flavor do you prefer?
Since this seems to be the only fly in the ointment, maybe Malika can swap it
out for tutti-frutti or something.
BTW, did Malika have a last name--or
would that have been too personal for a first date?
167. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 8:23:04 AM
Copied from Suggestions:
Ace:
I thought you had considered
"The Smoking Room" before? Or is that too exclusionary...the Lockeroom?
Boileroom? Atelier?
168. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 8:25:01 AM
IJ:
Finca La Vigia (Ernest Hemingway's sprawling estate and
farmhouse in Cuba)
More like Finca La Viagra....and besides, the
place is nothing but a cat house. About 100 offspring of Hemingways original
cats live there now.
169. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 8:28:21 AM
I thought of boiler room. One more thread name suggestion: Caesar's Palace.
But then we have to add a casino and cigarette girls.
(And
enough with the D&D screenplay. If this is supposed to be a revival of the
Man Thread, you can't have elf crap in it. Elves? Next it'll be faeries. Have
Brundleass--or whatever his name is--chop off Stinky's head for being such a
Francis Urquhart. Then some Amazon women show up and make him their king. The
end.)
170. ButterfieldSwire - 3/21/2001 9:32:56 AM
My favorite soft-core porn scene is the Anne Heche-Joan Chen girl/girl scene in Wild Night. It has 1) two actresses who are talented and respectable enough that you really enjoy watching them degrade themselves; 2) the whole inter-racial East meets West angle; 3) an actual (pre-Ellen) latent lesbian as the object of seduction; and 4) a long lingering seduction scene followed by a good minute of heavy duty erotica. Not only has it never been topped, I dont think its possible to top it [well, it could be topped, in theory, if you added some sort of spanking angle].
171. Fielding - 3/21/2001 10:24:44 AM
A true classic!
I think the flick is actually called Wild
Side. It is the campiest film that I have ever seen. The best part is when
Heche turns to Christpher Walken and says "You're going to fuck him
(Steven Bauer) because you love me?" Priceless!
172. janjon - 3/21/2001 10:43:12 AM
Acey - I knew you were just fooling around.'
What else is new.
Incidentally, Banks gave good advice. This thread can have legs, but you
don't have to be overly-concerned or involved to make that happen.
Just
be yourself.
(I can't believe I actually wrote that.)
173. ButterfieldSwire - 3/21/2001 10:50:05 AM
Fielding - You're right it is Wild Side. My advice in watching this movie is to fast forward until you see Joan Chen show up, then watch it till the Heche-Chen seen is over, then turn it off. Watching this movie I felt bad for Christopher Walken that his career had sunk so low, I felt bad for Joan Chen that her career had sunk so low, I even felt bad for Stephen Bauer that his career had sunk so low. Anne Heche, I just felt deserved a spanking for being such a bad girl.
174. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:50:30 AM
Gotta admire a chick who knows how to RESPECT THE COCK. WARNING!!!
Male nudity!!!
175. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:54:29 AM
Scott
If I looked like you, your point would be well-taken. But when
you're me, deciding whether or not to upgrade from a 10 to an 11 is a delicate
issue.
Stinky
I'd tell you her last name, but then you might run
off and set up a website about her. Think I'll pass.
176. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:59:24 AM
Ace
I'm ready for the next installment of Beorn and Stinky already.
Some of your best work.
177. Fielding - 3/21/2001 11:00:34 AM
Jon:
Shouldn't your spring break be over by now?
178. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 11:03:23 AM
But when you're me, deciding whether or not to upgrade from a 10 to an 11
is a delicate issue.
Recession hitting Jon-boy's wallet already?
179. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 11:10:39 AM
Fielding
I post here like I cum in your daughter's ass.
In
spurts.
180. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 11:23:43 AM
Re Swedish nudity
When I visited Stockholm for 2 months in the summer
of 1990 (I was 19) it was unbelievable. Public parks everywhere and 80%+ of the
hot chicks went topless. I was like a kid in a candy store.
I returned
in the summer of 1995, slightly less hormonally charged, and everything had
changed. Maybe one in five went topless.
Haven't been back since, but
I'm sure from Pelle's comments that this disturbing trend has continued.
181. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 11:38:14 AM
Some suitable content.
Real friends, dedicated to Ace and
Franc-n-Niner:
When you are sad,.............
I will get you drunk
and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue,..........
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking
you.
When you smile,............
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared,.........
I will rag you about it every chance I
get.
When you are worried,.........
I will tell you horrible stories
about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are
confused,........
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick.........
Stay away from me until your well again,
I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall......
I will point and
laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge
till the end. Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
182. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 11:39:52 AM
And also, the inevitable He Said/She Said:
He said... I don't
know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear
briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left
me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who
left you the money.
She said... What do you mean by coming home half
drunk?
He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.
He
said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the
worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.
He said... 'Two inches
more, and I would be king'
She said... 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written
just below it: 'I do not'
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find
another man like your late husband.'
She said... 'Who's gonna look?'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said...
Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get
home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you
tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never
there.
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She
said... "That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart."
183. ScottLoar - 3/21/2001 11:42:57 AM
Yeah, Jon, you're a winner. Frequenting strip bars to find a girlfriend. Hell, I hope you marry Marlika or Marishka or whatever her Russian name is so I'll have the pleasure of reading you bitch and moan when she ditches you after getting her green card.
184. Wombat - 3/21/2001 11:55:30 AM
He said: If I had known you were a virgin, I wouldn't have taken you so fast.
She said: If I had known you were in such a hurry, I would have taken
off my panty hose first.
185. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 1:17:51 PM
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
186. DanDillon - 3/21/2001 1:19:34 PM
What's with all the irritating text? Let's get some visuals here. I want images!
187. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 1:21:51 PM
Today's page 3 girl. Suggestion to the thread host: www.page3.com be
added as a link on the 'scotch bar.
188. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 1:40:23 PM
Funny stuff in here today.
189. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 1:45:47 PM
Possible new names:
-- Locker Room. I dunno. Sounds like an AOL
Gay Chat Room.
-- Smoking Room. When Table Talk folds, we will be
overrun by NORML agents telling us about how the Declaration of Independence was
written on hemp, mannnn.
-- Dive Bar. Eh.
-- Lunatic
Lounge/Lunatic Fringe/variations on "Lunatic." I was considering these, but they
all sound like the name given to the supporting cast on a lame "Morning Zoo"
radio show.
-- Fica de Sica or whatever that was. Interesting, but too
obscure. It's a good thought, though. Are there any cool historical bars whose
names aren't so foreign? What was the name of the bar in the Right Stuff? Or--
is there a famous bar where WWI pilots congregated?
190. Uzmakk - 3/21/2001 1:50:12 PM
I have a strip bar story. I was going to include it in my prospectus over in Notices and Queries, but perhaps Ace's World is the place for it. Later, I have to get my shit together a bit to tell this one.
191. Uzmakk - 3/21/2001 1:51:42 PM
You'll like it. Its bigger than just tits and bums.
192. Uzmakk - 3/21/2001 1:54:26 PM
Its also meatier and juicier than just tits and bums. And deeper than just tits and bums...yah deeper too.
193. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 1:54:58 PM
Enough sizzle, more steak.
194. Uzmakk - 3/21/2001 1:55:57 PM
Yah, but this is the steak you can hear coming from across the room.
195. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 1:59:22 PM
Patterned after Vonkers' He Said/She Said:
He said: "Do you love
me just for my money?"
She said: "I don't love you. Never have. And I'm
fucking your brother, chump."
He said: "Honey, do you think we should go
with the green couch or the tan couch?"
She said: "I don't even know who you
are anymore... WHAT'S HAPPENED TO US?!?!"
He said: "What's wrong,
honey?"
She said: "If you ever loved me, even a little bit, you wouldn't
have to ask."
He said: "No, you haven't gained weight."
She said:
"Who's the little whore you're fucking? Is it that Spanish secretary? You
fucking little asshole! I gave six years of my life to you!"
196. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:04:12 PM
197. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:08:23 PM
The word flaccid seems oddly disturbing.
198. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:08:45 PM
Ace - I think Dive Bar would be o.k.
199. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:11:52 PM
It's okay, but I don't want to suggest a change until we come up with a
good name.
If we never come up with a good name, I'll request the change
to Dive Bar, eventually.
But I don't want multiple name changes.
200. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:12:07 PM
The Iron Horse Saloon is a famous biker bar with several incarnations.
201. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:12:28 PM
The Dive Bar is, so far, the best of the worst.
202. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:13:28 PM
Indy,
Nah.
203. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:14:11 PM
What's the image you want to project, Ace?
204. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:14:14 PM
The Mote already has a bar.
This can be a louche lounge, or better
still something with a play on the word 'depraved'.
205. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:16:59 PM
"What's the image you want to project, Ace?"
Scarfed WWI pilots
quaffing ale before taking to the skies over Lorraine.
206. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:18:03 PM
Puhleez.
This is more like a bunch of terminal geeks talking
themselves up.
How about 'Talk shit with Ace'. That about sums it up.
207. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:19:10 PM
...rather than dirty, smelly,
six-bench-warrants-and-two-restraining-orders-issued-against-them bikers.
208. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:20:16 PM
Ace is such a terminal geek. It is really amazing to plumb the depths of his
geekdom.
"Taking the sky over Lorraine"!
209. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:20:57 PM
While sitting hunched over a keyboard and probably wearing a tie against his will.
210. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:21:02 PM
The Sopwith Camel's Watering Hole
Or, to satisfy Banks: The Depraved
Sopwith Camel's Watering Hole
Or, to intimidate the women folk: The
Depraved, Well-Hung Sopwith Camel's Watering Hole
211. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:21:38 PM
yes, I thought that a bit fanciful too.
But, I was preoccupied with
wondering whether Ace looks a bit like Snoopy.
212. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:22:01 PM
Let ace be ace, I implore you all including ace.
WWI fighter pilot he
is not.
213. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:22:22 PM
Certainly his bark is much worse than his bite.
214. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:23:13 PM
Banks is correct - fighter pilot he ain't.
215. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:24:22 PM
Balding banker taking a two-day flyer in Tijuana, now that is the Ace we know and, ahem, know.
216. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:25:18 PM
Tijuana seems a bit too Big Time.
217. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:27:24 PM
There's also Le Bal du Moulin Rouge, but it might appear as though you're glomming onto the upcoming movie.
218. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:31:06 PM
I've come up with the concept.
Testosterone.
The thread will
be a place where you can unleash it, as well as learn about it from our resident
testosterone-addled geek, Ace.
So Ace has a homework assignment built
in, he will be responsible for informing us daily, weekly, about the actual
scientific and anecdotal data available.
219. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 2:31:28 PM
Ace
I think it's time to start deleting posts again. This tedious,
unimaginative crap (marj, janjon and stinky) is a pain to wade through.
220. Wombat - 3/21/2001 2:31:29 PM
Cafe Priapico
221. Wombat - 3/21/2001 2:33:11 PM
Testosterone Lounge
222. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:34:09 PM
up yours, Jon.
223. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:37:11 PM
Cafe is taken, Wombat. Or we could go with "The Hard Dick Cafe."
224. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:37:38 PM
Ferguson,
If you're looking for a place to set up your usual insane
alkie routine, I suggest you look elsewhere.
Ace's thread is for those
who sport some actual male hormones, not synthetic faulty replacements.
225. Wombat - 3/21/2001 2:38:37 PM
The Short Arms Pub
226. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:40:16 PM
Henceforth, for those who are paying attention, this pathetic creature (Jon
Ferguson) will not be getting my attention.
227. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:41:01 PM
My bad. Make that "Hard Cock Cafe."
228. Wombat - 3/21/2001 2:42:13 PM
Cafe is already taken, as you said earlier.
229. marjoribanks - 3/21/2001 2:43:43 PM
But my offering is the best (I think).
Simply 'Testosterone'.
It says it all.
230. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:44:05 PM
Marion's bar in Raiders of the Lost Ark was named
The Raven Saloon.
231. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:44:30 PM
Yep. I was just being tedious and unimaginative. Next thing you know, I'll be
posting more pics of scantily clad women.
Ho-hum.
232. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:44:46 PM
The Dungeon.
On second thought, not.
Banks suggestion is
fine.
233. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:45:36 PM
Eh, let's end this discussion.
Someone will come up with a name
or they won't.
"Brainstorming" is useless.
234. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 2:45:47 PM
Raven Saloon is pretty good. It has a certain "Valhalla" ring to it.
235. bubbaette - 3/21/2001 2:47:18 PM
The Testosterone Zone
236. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 2:49:16 PM
Thread name suggestions:
Onan's Bar & Grill
Circle Jerk
Whaaasssuup!?!
Miller Time
Ace is a Fuckin' Pussy
Troglodytes on
Parade
237. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 2:49:48 PM
The Andro Lounge
238. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 2:50:35 PM
"Brainstorming" is useless.
So true, requires Brains.
239. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 2:50:41 PM
No, no..wait! I've got it:
The Lizard Lounge
240. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 2:51:14 PM
Lizard Lounge is good.
241. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:51:35 PM
hahahaha. I like that one, Judith.
242. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:53:03 PM
These are too cute. Sort of what I didn't like about "Lunatic Fringe."
Too morning Zoo-ish.
(Funny, she doesn't look zoo-ish.)
Okay,
here's my proposed thread name:
Fat, Stinking
Cock
243. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 2:53:28 PM
Thankyewverramuch!
244. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 2:53:56 PM
and of course:
Suck the Barbed Cock of
Satan
245. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 2:54:00 PM
Apparently J@H likes your FSC!
246. janjon - 3/21/2001 2:54:05 PM
next.
247. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 2:54:29 PM
Oooops....unfortunate cross posting there.
Well....
248. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 2:55:43 PM
I need to bring the clothes in off the line, anyhow.
Y'all have a
nice afternoon.
249. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:00:21 PM
The Penis Monologues
Too cute.
Cute, but not funny.
250. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:01:58 PM
A Bazillion Monkeys Running Amok in My Ass
251. DocBrown - 3/21/2001 3:02:57 PM
Leave it to a peckerwood like Ace to forget the name of the bar in The
Right Stuff. It was a real place, where Chuck Yeager, Scott Crossfield, Iven
Kinchloe, Jack Ridley, Gus Grissom, Gordo Cooper, and a hundred heroes whose
names we'll never know drank whiskey in the evening after putting their balls on
the line all day.
It was a gritty place in the middle of the high desert
in California. There was a real stable out back, so Pancho's patrons could take
a horse on a wild ride through the wilderness whenever they felt the urge. On
the wall were pictures of all the test pilots who had given their lives to push
the envelope and keep American technology on top of the world. Everywhere you
looked, the face of a dead hero.
The bar was called Pancho's Happy
Bottom Riding Club. You had to be a real man to drink there. No one dared giggle
about vaguely homoerotic thoughts that might enter their minds when they thought
about the name of the place.
Sorry, Ace. I do not believe that you are
man enough to handle a thread called "Ace's Happy Bottom Riding Club."
252. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:04:21 PM
"Pancho's Happy Bottom Riding Club"
This is acceptable. I'm not in
love with it (I'd hoped the bar was named, well, something cooler), but it's
okay by me.
253. DocBrown - 3/21/2001 3:06:13 PM
Ace, you need some apropriate pictures to put on the wall.
That's
all I'm gonna say.
254. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:06:31 PM
Good find, Doc. Either Pancho's Happy Bottom Riding Club or Ace's Happy Bottom Riding Club sounds like a winner.
255. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:08:00 PM
That should attract frankie. Let alone Cellar.
256. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:08:05 PM
Thanks, Doc.
But couldn't you have lied and claimed the bar was
named The Monkey Club or The Bleeding Cock Saloon?
257. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:08:44 PM
Why not just go with The Right Stuff.
258. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:09:06 PM
No one likes "A Bazillion Monkeys Running Amok in My Ass," I take it?
259. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:10:06 PM
It reminds us much too much of you, Ace.
260. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:11:28 PM
That's correct, though if you like it there's nothing wrong with that, I
just don't want to hear anything more about the experience.
261. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:12:33 PM
amen.
262. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:13:28 PM
Eh. I don't think we can name it "Pancho's Happy Bottom Riding Club."
I've soured on it. It's too inside, it's too... I dunno. Gay, I guess
would be the word.
263. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:15:11 PM
Well...this thread did start it's life as the Man's Thread, you know,
masculine men doing manly things in the company of other men.
P'sHBRC is
simply too long a name.
264. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:17:32 PM
Who cares if it's inside? Not more than half a dozen people in this place
anymore, anyway.
FWIW, I read up on it on the Web, and Pancho was a
chick.
265. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:18:53 PM
Ace:
"If we never come up with a good name, I'll request the
change to Dive Bar, eventually."
You don't need to request anything.
You have the power to change it yourself.
266. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:18:59 PM
so they thought, would be my guess.
267. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:19:38 PM
or pretended to think.
268. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:20:30 PM
The Prostate Factory
269. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:20:37 PM
Yeah, but, but...
I mean, if everyone likes it, it's fine by me. Like
I said, this isn't *my* thread. But personally, I wouldn't vote for it.
Imagine a newbie:
"Why is this thread called the Happy Bottom
Riding Club? Is it a gay thread?"
"That was the name of the bar in the
Right Stuff."
"Ohhhhh...! Um. That's, uh, very random. That means
nothing to me. Bye!"
270. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:20:59 PM
Hey! What's the theme for the day? Is it, "Come up with a name for this
stinking thread"?
I like the idea of a theme of the day, though the
response to yesterday's was dismal.
271. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:21:06 PM
Pancho
''Pancho's attitude
toward sex was uncomplicated: She
enjoyed it
. . . enthusiastically,
unapologetically, for the physical
excitement,
the jolt, the charge. Others
might long for deep companionship,
emotional sustenance and life
commitment. Pancho just wanted to have
fun.''
....Soon after World War II [she] entered legend (reported by
Tom Wolfe in ''The Right Stuff'') as the foul-mouthed pal of test pilots and
flying generals, operator of a resort and a private club, the Happy Bottom, near
Edwards Air Force Base in the Mojave Desert, where, some people believed, fun
was unlawfully for sale; certainly, Kessler seems to confirm, fun took place.
272. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:21:06 PM
"You don't need to request anything. You have the power to change it
yourself."
I didn't know that.
273. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:22:04 PM
The Thread with No Name
274. CalGal - 3/21/2001 3:22:17 PM
Well, Cellar always did say Ace was a big ol' bottom.
What's
wrong with The Dive, again?
275. Odin - 3/21/2001 3:22:33 PM
Why not simply 'The Macho Bar & Cigar Lounge'?
276. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:23:10 PM
Go with it, only it should be:
The Thread with
no Brain
277. janjon - 3/21/2001 3:24:24 PM
vonK - too self-referency to the host.
278. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:26:08 PM
I've been to the Mote on a thread with no name, it felt good to post
as Lorraine.
In the Mote no one knows your real name...
279. Odin - 3/21/2001 3:26:38 PM
BTW, of course this is me, Pelle. I'm not trying a double. I registered Odin to protect the trademark as it were.
280. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:27:15 PM
Jan - I don't know, I think it nicely sets the expected tone for this
thread. I mean, it starts as the reincarnation of the Man Thread, and we all
know that men think with their other brain.
281. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:28:21 PM
The name has been changed.
282. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:29:32 PM
What a stupid fucking name!! Leave it to Ace to choose the worst out of
several bad options.
Good thing I told him he could change it himself.
283. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:29:57 PM
Click on pic: 
284. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:29:58 PM
Oh, calm down. I'm just having fun.
285. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:31:37 PM
I never like D&D much, for the very reasons shown in Ace's
screenplay, too much being bound by rolling a half-dozen different obscure dice
and being tied to being Good/Evil/Chaos/Order bullshit. I don't know if it was
the D&D game system or just the geeks who played it, but the games all
seemed to feel like Ace's screenplay.
My preferred role playing system
is GURPS (Generic Universal Role Playing System). It seems to lend itself more
to a story telling game form rather than a rigid structural game. Also, you
could run a game in any context one could think of.
286. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:32:26 PM
Good god. You ARE a geek, Vonkers.
I've been kidding this
whole time... and yet you...
GURPS.
GURPS.
I... I don't
know what to say.
287. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:32:41 PM
"Oh, calm down. I'm just having fun."
I'm having some fun too.
Check out the new Quiz Thread!
288. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:33:03 PM
I'm just trying to stay on topic.
289. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:33:16 PM
Can I be a druid? That way I'll have two spells at first level.
Of
course they'll be something like "inflict with itching annoyance" and "repel
picnic ants."
290. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:34:25 PM
Nice going Ace!!
291. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:36:15 PM
That's sort of confusing, Fielding.
I think we have a winner:
The thread will be called "VonKreedon's Magical GURPS Tales" until
further notice.
292. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 3:37:16 PM
What IS that? Or ARE they?
293. Frankster - 3/21/2001 3:37:43 PM
Indy,
O-o-o-o-oh, those Guest Quarters staring into flatness, along
with a nearby horse corral and dairy farm just make the place so dreamy. Oh, and
who can overlook the sonic booms of experimental aircraft ? Definite place to
take one out on a date -- so romantic.
294. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:37:55 PM
You realize of course that divine wrath will soon be coming down on both of
you (for the thread name hijinks).
Luckily, I have my plant door spell
prepared to escape. Now, where did I put that mistletoe?
295. JudithAtHome - 3/21/2001 3:38:36 PM
Never mind...I really don't care and just read upthread enough of an explanation.
296. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:38:40 PM
JAH,
GURPS is a game like D&D.
However, even very
superficially geeky people know about D&D.
You have to be a REAL
geek to know about GURPS.
297. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:40:06 PM
Remember, if we're all attacked by depraved deer and rabbits, stand close to me and you'll be safe.
298. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:41:48 PM
Finally Ace gets fiesty, about fucking time.
Well, since this is now
about my GURPS adventures let me tell you all about the game that I ran that
took place in the future. It was called Malsia Station and took place about five
years after this interstellar war between a bunch of Anarcho-Syndicalists and
EarthCorp. I wrote out a whole history and everything as background for the
players.
So, the players are these former Anarcho-Syndicalist soldiers,
the Anarchists lost the war, of course, who get work as security at this space
station above Malsia. There was this whole set of political intrigue going on
with people on the planet trying to get out from under the thumb of the ruling
elite based on the space station.
So, the players had to figure out what
was behind all the sabotage, and of course survive, and then decide whether to
stay with their employers, the evil neo-mercantilists, or help the Malsian
resistance. There were some really funny bits, like where the player with the
Unlucky attribute got rescued by some EarthCorp soldiers who recognized
him as being friends with the player with the Sadism attribute who had taken the
EarthCorp soldiers prisioner during the war. Boy, talk about unlucky!
[in the next installment I will talk about the issues involved in
running a game in which player characters must interact via computer while in
entirely different locations!]
299. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:41:51 PM
Ohhhhhh, mercy.
VonKreedon has been living with this Secret Shame for
years, and he's only admitting it now.
It's going to be a hard road,
VonKreedon. But you'll work through it.
300. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:42:57 PM
"[in the next installment I will talk about the issues involved in running a
game in which player characters must interact via computer while in entirely
different locations!]"
WOW!!! Holy shit!!!
You keep these
Magical GURPS Tales coming, VonKreedon. They're too damn good!
301. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 3:44:19 PM
Ace,
What type of geek likes MUDding?
302. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:44:55 PM
I'm sure VonKreedon does!
303. Fielding - 3/21/2001 3:45:01 PM
Indy:
"You realize of course that divine wrath will soon be coming
down on both of you (for the thread name hijinks)."
I'm not afraid.
Ace will defend us with his +5 condom of mithral.
304. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:46:20 PM
Argghhh! Switching two thread titles has resulted in a rift in the space-time continuum...something strange happening...can't focus...
305. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:48:31 PM
VonKreedon,
Which do you prefer? Combat Reflexes or Fast-Draw?
Please defend your answer with a comparison of both advantages.
306. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:50:20 PM
Sorry, Fielding, but thanks to your and Ace's recklessness, we've all been
teleported to a plane in which magic doesn't function.
Instead, we have
to learn to use Tommy guns, wear double-breasted suits and talk like gangsters.
307. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:51:12 PM
Thanks Ace, here you are!
So, the really difficult thing for me,
as the Game Master (GM), in Malsia Station was that, since this was the future
the players had to be able to interact with each other without being in the same
place. And further, those who were working on breaking into the main computer's
door locking sub-routine, for example, would have a serious impact on the
ability of those in the fire fight with EarthCorp storm troopers to escape. At
one point I had three different groups of players in different parts of the
apartment shouting to each other so that their interactions would be more
realistic. The effect wasn't really very satisfactory. I never did really get a
hang of how to deal with having player characters in different places doing
different things that effected each other at the same time. Any suggestions?
[Next installment: My most successful game of all time, the historical
fiction game of Musketeers during the Thirty Years War!]
308. PelleNilsson - 3/21/2001 3:52:00 PM
Can't bother to switch monikers. This is damned funny. Pity I have to retire soon.
309. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:52:24 PM
"[Next installment: My most successful game of all time, the historical
fiction game of Musketeers during the Thirty Years War!]"
HOLY SHIT!!! I
can't WAIT!!!
Woo-hooo!!!
310. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:52:44 PM
Cron's blood, but this GURPS stuff is more gormless than Ace's Brandyass and Stinky.
311. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 3:53:35 PM
Ace - I take Combat Reflexes. With CR one gets a reaction bonus in any
combat situation, while Quick Draw only helps one in situations that require,
well, that require a quick draw. With CR one is likely to be aware of the need
to draw ones weapon early enough that the QD advantage is moot.
312. Ronski - 3/21/2001 3:55:31 PM
I miss Phagmere already.
313. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:56:31 PM
Does anyone else think this is funny? Apart from the usual suspects?
I think it's a hoot.
314. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:58:01 PM
VonKers:
Please give us list of the "campaigns" you've run. No
details necessary, just genre & time-frame & gist.
315. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:58:27 PM
I think it's funny. But then I have a constant laugh track playing in my head.
316. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 3:59:03 PM
And as for "apart from the usual suspects" that rules out everyone.
317. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 3:59:26 PM
IJ,
I consider you one of the "usual suspects," though.
Good lord... VonKreedon hides this shameful passion from us for two
years... and then he unloads. Completely.
318. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:00:57 PM
What a fucking GEEK.
319. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 4:01:12 PM
That's what a little time with "the talking stick" will do.
320. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:03:35 PM
Ace,
I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or hide.
321. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:04:11 PM
All three seem appropriate.
322. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 4:06:23 PM
The supers are here! Costumed crusaders fighting against the
force of evil . . . monstrous villains terrorizing the world . . . your
creations are only limited by your imagination! GURPS Supers lets you create
real heroes and real villains, each fully defined in both power and personality
- not just combat monsters. The second edition of GURPS Supers introduces system
improvements to let you create superpowers the way you want to run them!
323. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:07:26 PM
Ace - Here you are:
- Malsia Station: Sci-Fi; 2525; see above
-
Gold to Agustus Adolphus: Semi-historical ; ~1630; group of Musketeers secretly
transport gold from Catholic France to Protestant Swedish King
- Dumb and
Vicious: Horror; ~2000; group of mental masturbators try to reduce each other to
tears through dumb and vicious pseudo-intellectual attacks in on-line forum
- The Tale of Horag the Half-Stoned: Fantasy; ????; Group of Orcs and
Stoners try to score some more weed from the Dark Wizard
324. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:07:42 PM
VonKreedon,
If I was wanting to get revenge upon an enemy -- in the
best gurpian way, how would I go about doing so?
327. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 4:11:19 PM
That "Dumb and Vicious" campaign sounds vaguely familiar.
330. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:14:26 PM
You see, I thought that GURPS sold out when they started coming out with
all the specialty rule books. I mean, to me, the fabulous thing about GURPS was
that it was universal, that you could take the basic concept and use it in any
context. The specialty rules just made it more like D&D.
331. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 4:16:24 PM
I know what you mean. GURPS changed, man.
It used to be about the
game, but then they changed. They really changed.
332. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:17:07 PM
Yeahp. He just keeps giving me more and more material.
333. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:17:47 PM
GURPS used to stand for something, man.
Now it's just
another D&D sell-out.
334. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:18:16 PM
You Dork, it wasn't about the game, about winning and losing, it was
about telling a story, a story that arose from the interaction of the players in
the context created by the GM. It wasn't about the stupid game, it was about the
connection between the players. Dork.
335. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:19:06 PM
Ahhhh... the magical years.
Back when GURPS made a difference.
336. Fielding - 3/21/2001 4:19:45 PM
Is Jen still around?
337. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:20:00 PM
That's right, it GURPS used to stand for, or at least create the space
for, a shared creative spirit; a community of chautaqua. As you say, now it's
just another mass commodity sell out.
338. Indiana Jones - 3/21/2001 4:20:05 PM
I've been reduced to tears, but not "that" way.
See y'all later.
339. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:21:37 PM
ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR, we don't want your Orkish Wars!
FIVE-SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT, it's your supplements that we hate!
340. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:23:03 PM
Hi Fielding.
I'm stil waiting on VonK's revenge tactics. I guess I'm
not being taken seriously...
341. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:23:06 PM
WHAT DO WE WANT! Shared creative story telling!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT! How
about next Tuesday night?
342. Wombat - 3/21/2001 4:23:09 PM
In college, we used to pour beer over guys like you.
343. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:23:53 PM
Jen - I can't really answer that question. So much would depend on the
context in which the need for revenge operates. But, of course, it should be
cold.
344. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:24:26 PM
That's why I didn't go to your college, whatever it was.
345. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:24:38 PM
I remember when "The Man" tried to force his Magical Compendium on
us.
"Take your stinking capitalist Magical Compendium and stick it where
the sun don't shine, Man!" I told him.
I spent six days in an Upstate
New York jail for standing up to The Man.
What did I do with my time?
I created some WICKED character sheets, man.
346. Wombat - 3/21/2001 4:25:41 PM
And we weren't even jocks...
347. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:25:51 PM
Actually, a true fact, I was introduced to role playing while I was in
the custody of the state of NH for occupying the Seabrook Nuke site.
348. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:25:59 PM
"In college, we used to pour beer over guys like you."
Even I
poured beer on guys like this, and I'm a fucking pussy.
349. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:27:03 PM
"Actually, a true fact, I was introduced to role playing while I was in the
custody of the state of NH for occupying the Seabrook Nuke site."
VonKreedon played the "role" of "Jailhouse Bitch."
350. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:30:36 PM
Jailhouse Tough: "Okay, now I'm going to bend you over this bench and fuck
the shit out of your ass."
VonKreedon: "Wait! Don't I get a combat
reflexshes roll to avoid the assthault?!"
Jailhouse Tough: "Errrrrr...
sure. Whatever. You have to roll an 18."
VonKreedon: "Damn! I only
rolled a 17! Can I take half-damage, at leassht?"
Jailhouse Tough:
"Uhhhhmmmm... no. Full damage. Bend over."
(Sounds of carnality and
screams.)
VonKreedon: "Am I role-playing thish correctly?"
Jailhouse Tough: "Uhh... Oh... Ummmm... Oh, so sweet... Yeah, kid.
You're role-playing it fine."
351. Fielding - 3/21/2001 4:33:38 PM
Jen:
The Rants thread has become something of a backwater recently,
and I'm looking for a way to jazz it up. Part of the problem is that the name of
the thread isn't very enticing. I'd like to make a change, but I need your
permission. I'd like to call it:
Pictures from Jen's Honeymoon
352. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:36:41 PM
VonK,
I guess you're right. I was just wanting to shrink the head of
a poster, but the desire has left me.
353. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:37:31 PM
Jailhouse Tough: "Okay, I'm done. Who's next?"
Turk: "Me. I'm
gonna get me some of that."
VonKreedon: "Wait! I get my combat
reflexthes roll to thsave mythelf from the assthault! (rolls dice) An 18! I
avoid the damage!"
Turk: "Uh, no. You don't get a combat, uh, combat--"
Tough: "Reflexes."
Turk: "Yeah, that's it. You don't get a
combat reflexes roll this time."
VonKreedon: "Why not?"
Tough:
"Uhhhhhhh... because... because you were 'stunned' by the previous attack."
(as Turk seizes VonKreedon's hips)
VonKreedon: "Boy oh boy!
Thish sure isth a complicated game!"
354. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:39:18 PM
Fielding,
It just so happens that I'm looking at those pictures right
now. Unfortunately, they're mostly of the landscape. If, however, you think that
the name itself will draw some sort of weird curiosity, you have my permission.
355. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:40:31 PM
Fielding,
Why don't you call it "The Relative Merits of the GURPS
game system vis-a-vis Dungeons and Dragons"?
You'll have VonKreedon
there, for sure.
356. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:40:43 PM
Fortunatly for me I was in an armory with about 500 other geeks. By the
time I actually went into a jail, minimum security farm, I was near the top of
my ass kicking form, they didn't even dare to mock my nose picking until I was
on my way out of the facility on good behavior.
357. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:42:06 PM
Ace - Why would I go to Fielding's admitted backwater when you have given
me this thread?
358. RosettaStone - 3/21/2001 4:42:20 PM
landscape?
That depends on whose landscape you're talking about.
359. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:45:35 PM
Rosetta,
We talk a lot of pictures of the view from our room. The
ocean was so beautiful!
I have one party pic of the ancient fraulines
topless...
360. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 4:46:34 PM
talk??
TOOK!
VonK,
I knew you were a nose
picker!
361. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 4:46:52 PM
"I was near the top of my ass kicking form"
What were you then,
seventh level?
362. Fielding - 3/21/2001 4:48:35 PM
Jen:
I think the name itself would be enough to create a stir, but it
would burn out quickly if I couldn't deliver the goods. I think I'm going to
need an occasional picture to keep things honest. I want to create an
intermittent reward pattern.
(PP can correct me if I misstated that
concept. He can also scan the pics).
363. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 4:50:51 PM
What were you then, seventh level?
That is soo D&D,
please.
I had a base level Dexterity (DX) of 16. Then I add Alertness at
+2 and Kung Fu at +4. Plus I add the Additional Practice +2 bonus for doing Kata
twice a day. I was untouchable by any of the amatuer car theifs in the county
farm.
364. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 5:03:20 PM
Fielding,
Only for you.
365. RosettaStone - 3/21/2001 5:03:32 PM
I think Jenerator gets too much attention here as the beautiful moter.
I want Arky's pictures, too.
366. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 5:08:08 PM
Posts 325-326 and 328-329 have been deleted, on the grounds that they interfered with the funniness.
367. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 5:23:56 PM
Question:
What do you guys think about the idea of pruning?
In other words: What if I began deleting conversations that never went
anywhere, or aren't funn?
For example: Fielding and I had fun moving a
post back and forth between our two threads.
But, when you read this
passage, you don't "get it." It's not funny. It's just pure noise.
I am
wondering -- wondering only, mind you -- if perhaps it would be a good idea to
try pruning out such noise so that, if you came to this thread and scrolled back
for previous days, you'd only see the good stuff, rather than having to wade
through a lot of sputtering noise.
I realize most people won't like this
idea... I can promise I wouldn't prune vindictively, and I wouldn't prune based
solely on my own idiosyncratic sense of humor.
But, it seems to me, it
may be a good idea to have a thread with nothing but "good stuff." The
conversations with a payoff. So that, if you miss a few days, you can go back
and see if you've missed anything, without having to wade through posts which
don't go anywhere.
Anyway, it's an idea.
I expect no one will
like it. But there it is, just the same.
368. Fielding - 3/21/2001 5:26:57 PM
Jen:
I would be almost as happy to have people here thinking you've
sent me pictures as actually receiving them. Almost.
Either way, I
promise to keep them and all information to myself.
369. vonKreedon - 3/21/2001 5:29:21 PM
Well, the first thing you could prune is post 367, it's distinctly
unfunny.
Hey, it's your thread (unless it's my thread and I've
outsourced it's management to you) so experiment as you will. If we hate it we
can always argue at length in New Thread and Features
370. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 5:36:21 PM
It's not really up to me. I don't want to make the thread unappealing for
people.
And yes, if I pruned, 367 would go.
371. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 5:48:11 PM
Ace,
Part of your appeal is that you're original. Prune your thread
the way you see fit.
372. DanDillon - 3/21/2001 5:57:54 PM
Attention:
Jen may not post any photos publicly until she
sends me electronic copies via e-mail. I will then make shots of her available
as I see fit.
I like Jen, and I want to... to protect her.
373. Jenerator - 3/21/2001 6:00:31 PM
Dan,
Does that mean that I have to start saying you're like a
brother to me now?
374. Fielding - 3/21/2001 6:14:00 PM
Dan:
Back away from the babe before I have to break something on you.
375. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 7:25:45 PM
Re 367
See message 219
What if I began deleting
conversations that never went anywhere, or aren't funn?
Sounds okay
in theory, but it strikes me as a tad elitist to have a thread where just you
and I do all the talking (well, mainly me, you do tend to ramble endlessly at
times.)
Bring on Beorn and Stinky already (or did I miss the next
episode in the midst of all that tedious drivel?)
376. arkymalarky - 3/21/2001 8:14:52 PM
I think Ace's thread-cropping idea is fine, since everything I post is worth
reading. It might make some of the boring people mad, though.
"I want
Arky's pictures, too."
I would make a catty remark, but since that's the
first request for my picture I remember ever being posted in the Mote, nee Fray,
I will refrain.
377. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 9:44:29 PM
Here's the closest I ever came to D&D: 
I once spent
all day (about 12 hours) pumping my health up to 60,000, on one quarter. (That
was on the original game, of course; the sequel was rigged so you couldn't go
forever anymore without adding coins -- unless you were playing with others who
were, and you were robbing them blind.)
378. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 9:49:50 PM
I remember that game. I don't remember anyone ever playing all day on one
quarter (and there were lots of games I could finish/play indefinitely on one
quarter.) Maybe the original never made it up to Canada.
My favorite
arcade game ever was Xenophobe. Anybody remember it?
379. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 9:50:18 PM
Here's the closest VonKreedon ever came to D&D: 
380. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 9:50:43 PM
In other words: Much too close.
381. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 9:52:04 PM
Here's the chick VonKreedon has been stalking for the past six months:
382. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 9:59:55 PM
Here's VonKreedon arguing with a valet about damage to his car:
383. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:03:05 PM
Ace, when did the Man Thread become the Geeky Loser Thread?
And if
you insist on this being the Geeky Loser Thread, please continue the Tale of
Beorn and Stinky. It was so, so REAL.
384. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 10:06:29 PM
Hey, dipshit:
This is an insult thread. When we this sort of
material about someone, we use it.
385. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/21/2001 10:06:59 PM
This is what they replaced my thread with?
386. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:09:07 PM
It's a long story.
387. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:11:22 PM
JF:
That 12-hour session was at an arcade on the West side of Bank
St., I think between Nepean and Lisgar. I forget what it was called; I don't
think it's there anymore.
388. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 10:14:04 PM
Jon,
I'm not doing Beorn & Stinky for while because a lot of
people didn't seem to like Beorn & Stinky.
Plus, the second chapter
was very forced, I thought.
If I think of something good, I'll do the
third chapter.
389. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:18:49 PM
Ace
We already have an insult thread.
This place was supposed
to be for men, remember? Sometimes men insult each other, true, and sometimes
men talk about what they used to do when they were geeky little losers, but most
men aren't obsessed with doing either.
You have a gift when it comes to
capturing the essence of an actual D&D game. You do not have a gift when it
comes to a whole lot else. Use your gift, Ace. CONTINUE THE FUCKING STORY OF
BEORN AND STINKY!
Once that story is over, concentrate on your
second, less pronounced, but still formidable gift: Your extensive knowledge of
porn. It seems we've achieved a reasonable compromise, porn images are out, but
links (that contain warnings) to porn images are fair game.
Men like
porn, Ace, trust me on that one. Even the ones who say they don't. Make that
ESPECIALLY the ones who say they don't.
390. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:19:33 PM
It was called the Games Room and no, it's not there anymore.
391. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:19:43 PM
... And no, I didn't play 
much.
392. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:21:24 PM
My first arcade was just a couple of blocks north of the games room. Frogger was my first game.
393. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:22:30 PM
Oh man, now I'm Jonesin' for some Xenophobe.
394. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:30:33 PM
Just download the MAME version...
395. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 10:31:57 PM
I liked Centipede and Defender. Later, in college, I played a kick-ass
X-Men game.
396. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:36:00 PM
Defender had way too many frigging buttons.
397. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 10:39:07 PM
Forward/Reverse, shield, fire, photon bomb?
Too many?
398. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 10:39:22 PM
What are you, a retard?
399. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:45:58 PM
Yes, it's a marvel that I can handle a keyboard.
400. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 10:47:12 PM
(Though I only use two fingers, anyway.)
401. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:48:38 PM
You forgot hyperspace, dipshit.
I agree, too many damn buttons.
402. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:48:51 PM
Ace can't even remember them all.
403. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:57:57 PM
Anybody buy the album PacMan Fever? It had songs about PacMan, Frogger, Defender, Berserk and a few others.
404. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 10:58:38 PM
Shit, now I'm doing it.
405. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 11:02:44 PM
406. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/21/2001 11:11:51 PM
There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose cock was so long he could
suck it,
while tickling his chin,
he said with a grin,
if
my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it.
407. Stumbo - 3/21/2001 11:19:46 PM
Ace demonstrating proper wrist posture: 
408. AceofSpades - 3/21/2001 11:31:52 PM
I look pretty fucking cool there.
409. Jon Ferguson - 3/21/2001 11:47:29 PM
Is this still the Man Thread, or what?
RESPECT THE COCK.
WARNING!! MALE NUDITY!!
410. Jon Ferguson - 3/22/2001 12:08:48 AM
This one's particularly respectful: WARNING!! MALE NUDITY!!
411. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 1:06:22 AM
The only arcade game that ever kept my attention was BattleZone. I got to
the point that it was actually a decent entertainment buy, average of 20 minutes
for a quarter. Plus, there was this New Wave record store that had a BattleZone
machine and gave a free import EP to the high score of the week. Got some good
Clash, Siouxsie, XTC and stuff off of that machine.
412. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 1:08:40 AM
Ace! Who is that wench in post number three hundred and eighty one? I
must possess her! Prithee, tell me whereof she may be found, what tavern does
the harlot frequent?
413. Jon Ferguson - 3/22/2001 9:21:55 AM
Battlezone's the one where you're looking through the periscope (maybe wrong word) of a tank and scooting around the desert?
414. DocBrown - 3/22/2001 10:37:30 AM
VonKreedon, now you have my attention.
BattleZone was the best of the
first generation arcade games, and made the most excellent use of vector
graphics. To this day no arcade game has been its equal.
BZ's advantage
over other games was its tank driving controls. For a kicking/punching game to
match it, they would need to design controls that actually had the player's feet
kicking ang hands punching, instead of those silly buttons.
Know where
there is a BZ machine anymore? I bet I could beat you.
415. Raskolnikov - 3/22/2001 11:15:50 AM
Regarding Name changes: As long as Ace now has control over the thread title,
why not just re-name it "The Man Thread".
But due to the number of
recent role-playing and videogame discussions, I suspect newcomers would laugh
menacingly and give you all atomic wedgies (while pouring beer on you).
Maybe "The Pasty-Faced Geek Thread".
416. Raskolnikov - 3/22/2001 11:17:10 AM
(And no one ever used the hyperspace button in Defender, as it got you killed too often, so it is easy to forget.)
417. Raskolnikov - 3/22/2001 11:18:06 AM
(And Defender didn't have "shield", as I recall. I think that was the sequel "Stargate".)
418. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 11:19:29 AM
Stargate had "Invisibility."
419. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 11:22:58 AM
Or "Inviso," I should say.
420. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 11:25:14 AM
BattleZone was a game I wanted to like. I mean, one good thing about
it-- there was never a line for it.
But it was pretty boring.
Star Hawk was the best first-generation game. That game was similar to
BZ in that it was all one-color line drawings, but it featured a terrific
copyright-infringement of the battle of the Death Star trench.
421. Raskolnikov - 3/22/2001 11:26:07 AM
Oh yeah, it was Asteroid 2 that had shields.
422. Raskolnikov - 3/22/2001 11:28:51 AM
Battlezone was a great concept, but it was too tough for me. My quarter only lasted a couple minutes. My First generation games were Space Invaders, Pac Man, and Galaxian.
423. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 1:17:34 PM
BZ was the only game that really simulated 3-D combat. All the 2-D games
just bored me to tears.
Doc - Yeah the BZ interface was very good, but
it also was its weak point. The reason there are no more BZ games is that the
handles were all broken by overmuscled panic striken amateurs trying to evade
the buzz bombs.
424. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 1:24:29 PM
Here is some morning humor:
One day the first grade teacher was
reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of
the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
425. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 8:18:03 PM
SEX MONKEYS SEX MONKEYS SEX MONKEYS
426. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:05:03 PM
Superpowers I want:
1) The ability to Telekinetically Summon my
remote control.
2) An eye on the tip of my finger, so if I drop
something under the couch, I can look for it just by reaching down with my
finger-eye.
427. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:08:02 PM
3) Four Words: Toilet Paper of Infinity
4) A robotic dog pet/pal,
named Mr. Chompers.
428. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:09:16 PM
The conversation in Current Events and your rename reminded me of something: does anyone remember a book called Superfolk, or something like that? I read it when I was about 15, and all I can remember is that Peter Pan gave Superman a blowjob. I keep on wondering if I dreamed it.
429. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:10:53 PM
"does anyone remember a book called Superfolk, or something like that?"
No.
"I read it when I was about 15, and all I can remember is
that Peter Pan gave Superman a blowjob."
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... there's an
old joke about Superman fucking the Invisible Man, but an actual story about
Superman getting a gay blowjob would, I think, cause some very serious lawyers
to descend on you from DC Comics.
"I keep on wondering if I dreamed it."
I think maybe you did!
430. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:11:03 PM
That last was a joke, btw. I don't wonder if I dreamed it--it's the one part
I remember and why it's stuck with me despite being a largely forgettable
experience. (15 is such an impressionable age) But I can't completely remember
the name or who wrote it or anything else much about it.
The gimmick was
that all superheroes were real, I remember. Superman was the main figure, I
think.
431. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:12:12 PM
Ace,
Ha. No, I didn't dream it. Peter Pan, in the book, was very fey.
But Superman didn't know it was Peter Pan until afterwards. He was quite upset.
432. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:14:02 PM
Cal,
Do you realize how unlikely it is that such a story ever
would have been authorized by DC?
You know, when Superman "crossed over"
to fight Spiderman they were very protective about Superman winning the fight.
And yet... they have him getting a hummer from Peter Pan?
I
think you were high.
433. Cellar Door - 3/22/2001 9:14:38 PM
I would like the power to control CalGal's computer.
434. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:14:55 PM
Maybe some underground comic. The kind that wouldn't care about a lawsuit.
435. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:16:03 PM
Cellar,
No unfriendly insults, please. Only the joshing kind.
You can insult me if you like.
436. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:16:55 PM
Ace,
It was a book, not a comic book. I got it through the Doubleday
Book Club--I'd just gotten back from Saudi Arabia and didn't understand why they
were giving away so many books for $1. I found out quickly, though.
437. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:20:23 PM
Well, I'd sure like to hear how that came to be.
But there
occasionally are these weird stories about well-protected copyrights. The
competing James Bond film franchises, for example.
438. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:21:29 PM
Hey, I found it! It was "Superfolks", and you had to search exactly in
Amazon. That's why it wasn't there the first time.
I found this little blurb
on it:
Written in the late 70's, this book is a satire on popular
culture -- from the pseudo-Superman Indigo's alter ego David Brinkley (from the
dead planet Kronk and whose only weakness is -- you guessed it -- Kronkite) to
Holden Caulfield, proctologist to the socialites. Peppered with funny one-liners
but ultimately quite boring, I enjoyed the first half but felt no real reason to
finish it -- unusual for me. I give it a wishy-washy C-. If you're a *real*
comic geek, even more so than I who worked in a comics shop for four years, then
go for it; if you're really interested in 70's satire, great; otherwise don't
bother.
439. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:23:33 PM
Well, there you go. There's the other possibility: They didn't use the
name "Superman."
440. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:24:41 PM
Sounds pretty lame, by the way.
441. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:24:54 PM
Yeah, but it was Superman. The cover had him with the hair, the blue suit, flying, and everything.
442. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:25:38 PM
It was. I said so, too. It's just that the conversation reminded me of it and I thought the part about Superman getting a blowjob from Peter Pan was somehow apt for the thread.
443. Cellar Door - 3/22/2001 9:29:46 PM
Queer As Superfolk. Hey -- I like that.
444. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 9:31:28 PM
Well, as I said in Current Events, my Superpowers of choice are:
-
Teleportation
- Create/Destroy Time in selectable units
- Purr like a
cat
445. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 9:33:00 PM
Gay's need Superheroes, and the Ambiguously Gay Duo don't fit the bill.
[Bill? Who's Bill? God damn it Robin who the hell is Bill?]
446. CalGal - 3/22/2001 9:35:08 PM
Well, Peter Pan was gay. That's why he never grew up, because he didn't want to leave the Lost Boys.
447. vonKreedon - 3/22/2001 9:43:21 PM
Speaking of off the wall Superman knock offs, anyone remember a short
story, Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex? Goes into the impossibility of
Clark Kent having a sex life, including the inevitable epidemic of virgin births
in Smallville when Clark reaches his teen masturbation years.
448. AceofSpades - 3/22/2001 9:46:19 PM
Indy posted that here, I think.
I suppose most of you have heard
of it -- especially Mr. GURPS over here -- but there's a good "real world"
superhero graphic novel called The Watchmen.
Good stuff. If you ever
want to know what would happen if we really had superheroes (Nixon wins Vietnam,
goes on to win relection five straight times, through the eighties), it's a fun
read.
449. Fielding - 3/22/2001 9:56:28 PM
This reminds me of Quentin Tarantino's hilarious rant in the movie Sleep
With Me, where he describes the gay subtext in Top Gun.
"Maverick, you can ride my tail!"
450. Frankster - 3/22/2001 10:29:45 PM
Superpower ? Maybe the ability to peer into a person's heart and mind, to
see what they are really made up of ? I'm tired of being fooled.
451. Erin R. - 3/23/2001 10:22:01 AM
Superpower: the ability to never have to sleep. I consider sleep to be a time-waster.
452. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 10:26:34 AM
Ace
Just got in from the coast.
The buzz is the bidding on
THE SWORD OF GONDLEBREATH.
Indy
You traitorous puss. What kind
of major domo are you? I leave for a week and you supplicant for Ace?
453. Fielding - 3/23/2001 10:32:27 AM
Looks like someone finally summoned up the courage to post here. How many
shots of tequila did it take?
454. DocBrown - 3/23/2001 10:34:12 AM
I wish I had the power to resist reading this incredibly stupid thread.
But I don't.
455. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 10:45:05 AM
Fielding
Unlike the rest of you shut-ins and derelicts, I am a
shut-in and derelict who has a job. I was on the road selling curtain rods when
I learned of Ace's thread, and let me just say, for the record, I think it is an
interesting concept that has great potential but causes me great reservation and
thus, I have commissioned a study on the impact of the thread and will report
detailed findings of fact and conclusions of law in due course.
456. Fielding - 3/23/2001 10:53:41 AM
FU:
So then, you don't deny that you are, indeed, a weasel.
457. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 10:57:41 AM
Fielding
Weasel is so . . . judgmental. Empires are not built by the
Aces of this world, even though they make history more interesting. You adore
him now, it is his time. But soon, he will have hollowed out the top of your
heads and you will be used as a torch for his garden, whereunder, he will be
diddling little boys and making horses senators.
458. Cellar Door - 3/23/2001 11:17:01 AM
Curtain rods, eh? Well so much for Roe vs. Wade!
459. Fielding - 3/23/2001 11:42:48 AM
FU:
Hey, I saw that movie! I missed the part about didling little
boys.
460. Uzmakk - 3/23/2001 11:43:03 AM
Ah, the faint smell of Gondlebreath hangs on all the walls of this place, all the surfaces of this universe. Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuunghhhhhhh, I could get comfortable here.
461. greystoke - 3/23/2001 12:17:28 PM
Superpowers I would like to have:
1. The ability to feign interest
when some idiot comes over to my cubicle while I'm busy (which is always) and
tells me in agonizing detail about how he coached his son's team to victory last
night. (The ref said, "Blah, blah blah." And then I said "Blah, blah, fucking
blah to you too, pal." and so on and so forth.)
2. The ability to
remember our anniversary, my wife's birthday, Mother's Day, my Mom's birthday,
my parents' anniversary, and my sister's birthday in advance of their
occurrance. Women are such sticklers for remembering those "special" days.
However, I don't seem to have any trouble remembering Christmas and my
birthday. Go figure.
3. The ability to shoot a heat seeking missle
at the old lady's car in front of me, or at that asshole who just ran a red
light and almost hit me. And, in conjunction with that, the ability to make the
stoplight turn green whenever I want it to. There are few things that irritate
me more than having to stop at a red light when there is no-one going either way
in the perpendicular direction. (Perhaps this isn't a problem for you
city-folk.)
4. The ability to slap smart mouthed teenagers without being
sent to jail. I find it difficult to ignore those pimply faced, skatebord
riding, pierced comedians when they make fun of my bald head, my old car, my
beautiful wife, my high waters, my Chuck Taylor Converses, my lily white legs,
and/or my driving skills.
I would even settle for a "get out of jail
free" card. If I could just slap one pencil necked geek around, perhaps the word
would get out -- Don't fuck with Homer Simpson's twin brother.
462. seadate - 3/23/2001 12:22:00 PM
Stoke, you certainly have the power to post a decent rant.
463. Uzmakk - 3/23/2001 12:38:35 PM
" The ability to slap smart mouthed teenagers without being sent to jail."
An acquaintence of mine knocked one cold in front of his house. The
police came by, thanked him very much, and were off.
464. Uzmakk - 3/23/2001 12:44:39 PM
Tradition.
465. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:34:30 PM
Who's got the Smores?
466. seadate - 3/23/2001 2:38:02 PM
Real Man's Smore = Chestnuts smothered in whipped cream.
467. ScottLoar - 3/23/2001 2:38:50 PM
Good writing, that Message # 457, and the allusion to Nero is appreciated.
468. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:40:36 PM
Nero?
Did everyone hear? I heard Little Francis' mom let him
paint his toenails!
469. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:44:49 PM
Little Francis: 
(Ignore the "Debbie." It is Francis.)
470. ScottLoar - 3/23/2001 2:45:03 PM
Ace is only grossly funny.
471. Raskolnikov - 3/23/2001 2:48:36 PM
Desired Superpowers:
The ability to change a diaper without getting
peed on.
To always know where my son's Toy Story action figures are when
he loses them.
Dampen sound beyond a 20 foot radius so I can watch
Gladiator in glorious Dolby Digital without making my wife think there is an
earthquake.
Sleep through the crying of a infant when it is my wife's
turn to deal with him.
472. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 2:50:11 PM
Ace
You are, and will always be, my "Little Boots."
Scott
Thank you. It was a Tiberius, Caligula, Nero club sandwich.
473. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:50:16 PM
I wish I could sleep through your kid's crying, too.
474. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 2:51:06 PM
Motrin does the trick for me.
475. Raskolnikov - 3/23/2001 2:51:08 PM
Ace: Don't blame me. Your girlfriend told me she was on the pill.
476. Cellar Door - 3/23/2001 2:52:40 PM
Prozac?
477. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:53:47 PM
Little Francis's Mom told me to tell everyone to just calm down. There'll be time for pillowfights later!
478. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:54:28 PM
And spooky stories!
And toenail painting!
And making
really cool collages with hot boys!
479. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 2:56:29 PM
Eh. I'm disappointed. This theme has no legs. A commensurate backhand is Jedi/Chewbacca stuff.
480. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:56:53 PM
Later on I hear that weirdo VonKreedon is going to come by and try to get
us to play "GURPS."
481. marjoribanks - 3/23/2001 2:57:17 PM
Who doesn't want X-ray vision?
482. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:58:00 PM
Sweet Francis,
Eh. You through chum in the water. You see what
bites.
483. Fielding - 3/23/2001 2:58:14 PM
ScottLoar:
Good writing, that Message # 457, and the allusion to
Nero is appreciated.
I thought it was a Caligula reference.
484. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 2:59:00 PM
Not every day is going to feature VonKreedon making a humiliating confession about playing GURPS while being buttfucked in a jailhouse.
485. Fielding - 3/23/2001 2:59:02 PM
I want invisibility. Then I'm off to Fashion week.
Woo-Hoo!
486. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:00:22 PM
Sweet Francis wants a Golden Lasso and an Invisible Jet.
487. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:00:31 PM
I would like the super power of FILL IN SOME DOPEY STORY ABOUT MY PATEHTIC HUMDRUM LIFE THAT REALLY SHOULD BE IN THE WONDERFUL THREAD "A BARRELFUL OF MY ASS" HERE and then I wouldn't have to put up with those people in the express line any longer!
488. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:01:50 PM
Fielding
Nero used human torches. Caligula made a horse a senator (or
consul). Tiberius nibbled and was nibbled by the tots (though Caligula and Nero
may have been in the nibbling department as well).
489. Raskolnikov - 3/23/2001 3:02:57 PM
The ability to make sense out of Francie's last post.
490. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:03:52 PM
This page is really sad:
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Boardwalk/3152/
491. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:04:41 PM
How can any establishment retain any credibility and clientele, when one keeps changing the sign over its front door ? Sheesh! ;-)
492. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:04:51 PM
Francis,
Are you still selling Mary Kay cosmetics? I want to buy the
new "Hot Pizazz Pink" lipstick you had on last time.
493. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:05:58 PM
Jenerator
I never sold Mary Kay. That was just a line I used to get
into your pants.
494. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:07:48 PM
Sweet Francis,
If this thread-title has no legs (and I'm
beginning to see the problem), can you, or anyone else, suggest some other Theme
of the Day?
495. bubbaette - 3/23/2001 3:08:53 PM
Gimme a break, Jen -- have you ever seen a Mary Kay rep with a hairdo like Francis'? Puhleez.
496. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:09:57 PM
Ace,
LOL! Poor Beth. To top it all off, she's an Aggie!
I
hope I'm never that desperate!
Um,
How does one go about getting
one of those web pages ?
497. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:10:39 PM
She's a talk-o-holic, you know.
She likes ponies.
498. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:12:01 PM
VIBRATORS, DILDOS AND OTHER SEX TOYS: Sure, she digs them, but what of you?
499. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:15:36 PM
Francis,
Sure you got in my pants and what did you do but give me the
best durn bikini waxing a girl could give.
I felt so at ease with you,
so safe, so trustworthy.
500. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:15:48 PM
Ace,
How cruel of me to still be laughing at that page, huh ?
501. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:16:14 PM
Francis has hands like a cherub.
502. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:16:38 PM
Frank,
She's TOTALLY silly, she is.
503. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:17:40 PM
Frank,
Aggie being the key word!;-)
504. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:17:47 PM
LOL!
Oh, I bet she is!
505. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:19:25 PM
Jen,
Aggie, as in Phil Gramm, Neal Boorsh, fires that kill students,
etc...Yeah, dem Aggies!
506. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:20:36 PM
Oops, that should have been,potential bon fires that kill students. ;-)
507. Cellar Door - 3/23/2001 3:21:29 PM
Did somebody say "vibrators, dildos and other sex toys"?
508. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:29:37 PM
Frank,
Everyone knows that Aggies, are um, special.
Francis,
Your Sweet 15th was the bestest. Remember when you got
wasted on egg-nog and promised me that we'd be best friends forever? I still
carry my friendship unicorn keychain you gave me.
509. seadate - 3/23/2001 3:30:59 PM
Aggie, as in a pretty incredible and proud military related heritage (no, I'm not an Aggie).
510. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:32:03 PM
Dang, Jenerator. You're asking for the Dale Evans treatment, spurs and all.
511. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:35:17 PM
Seadate,
Texas A & M is a great school, but a rival to my alma
mater.
Francis,
Look, if you want your Hello Kitty backpack
again, you'd better be nice. Spurs are like, so totally weird!
512. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:41:43 PM
This thread sucks.
Jenerator is harassing me.
I'm taking a
vacation.
513. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:42:06 PM
Seadate,
Yours truly is a peacenik, so military schools don't do much
for me. Sorry.
514. Fielding - 3/23/2001 3:43:09 PM
FU:
You are pathetic and weak.
515. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:44:49 PM
And short.
516. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:45:10 PM
Jenerator, make Fielding stop.
517. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:45:29 PM
And Little Boots too.
518. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:47:47 PM
I'm not harassing you! We're best friends. Can you spend the night at my
house tonight. There's a Wonder Years telethon on Nickelodeon this weekend --
your favorite. And we can crank call that pervert Ace who works at Wendy's.
He'll flip when we ask him, "Where's the Beef?"
Heeheeheeheeheehee
;-)
(It's Friday. Lighten up.......
....
..
..
..
..
..
..
Francis!)
519. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:48:04 PM
Sweet Little Francis: Mama, will I ever grow beeeg and strong like de
otra boys?
Mama: Now, Sweet Francis, you are juss as Dios made you.
Sweet Little Francis: But Mama-- I am so small. The world around me is
so, so beeeg. Ever so beeeg.
Mama: Hush now, Sweet Little Francis. It is
time for your nap. Please crawl into the cookie box we made into your creeeb.
Sweet Little Francis: Okay, Mama. I sleep now. I crawl into my Cheeeps
Ahoy crib. Will you sing me a song, Mama?
520. Frankster - 3/23/2001 3:48:53 PM
For those who requested Jennifer in a bikini, Here she is in all her glory
TTFN. Time to go get a haircut!
( Well, you guys didn't
specify which Jennifer ?!)
521. Raskolnikov - 3/23/2001 3:50:37 PM
"Jenerator is harassing me."
Worse. She is *cleverly* harrassing you.
522. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 3:50:51 PM
None of those women can be Jen. Each lacks a goiter.
523. janjon - 3/23/2001 3:52:23 PM
Jenerator is what, a foot taller than our frankie?
He intimidates
easily, sure, but that's gotta be a factor.
524. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:52:40 PM
Whew! When I couldn't access the photos I thought, "Yikes, how did my beloved Frank get those Playboy nudes I thought I burned?")
525. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:53:30 PM
Sweet Little Francis: Mama, tell me again about dis America. Is it true
that de streets are paved of gold? Is it true that I will be beeeger than
everyone there?
Mama: Well, Little Francis, you will be beeeger than
VonKreedon.
Sweet Little Francis: Only VonKreedon?
Mama: Please,
Little Francis. I am not the Madonna. I cannot work miracles.
526. Fielding - 3/23/2001 3:54:55 PM
Relax sweet Francis. I returned the step stool in front of your urinal.
527. seadate - 3/23/2001 3:56:22 PM
Yours truly is a peacenik, so military schools don't do much for me.
But, my friend, they certainly have.
Ok, I'll lighten up.
528. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:56:31 PM
Sweet Little Francis: does Daddy get a special scrubbin too when he bend over
to get da soap?
Mama: no honey, he's not dirty like my little Francis
is.
529. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 3:57:51 PM
Mama, will you clean my Special No-No Place?
530. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 3:57:52 PM
Janjon,
Frank is TALL. I'm only a six footer, Frank's bigger than me.
Nicer, too.
531. Uzmakk - 3/23/2001 3:59:46 PM
I wish I had been following this soap opera.
532. janjon - 3/23/2001 3:59:59 PM
Jenerator. I was just commenting on your foot or so advantage on our frankie.
Actually, I thought you were about 5'9".
533. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:00:05 PM
Mama, will you clean my Special No-No Place, AGAIN.
534. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:00:45 PM
Ace, you work well with Jen. Really. No. Really.
535. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:01:29 PM
[JanJon, I just wanted to mkae sure you knew that Frank is very tall. He's
not a pip-squeak like Francis.]
536. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:01:31 PM
Eh, come on. It's *funny.* Admit it.
Admit it, you little freak.
537. Uzmakk - 3/23/2001 4:01:32 PM
I mean what does this have to do with the Sword of Dophinbreath?
538. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:02:08 PM
Uz,
The Sword of Gondlebreath will return after a break.
539. janjon - 3/23/2001 4:02:43 PM
Jen - as far as I know, frankie has a lock on pip-squeak around here.
540. seadate - 3/23/2001 4:02:47 PM
Janjon,
Why'd ya have to bring up Jen's foot?
541. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:03:19 PM
Oh, and Francis, someday you'll fill out that trainer bra of yours. Boobs are not goiters. Learn to accept your body, don't be ashamed of it, especially when you go through puberty!
542. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:03:26 PM
(Hey, I've got Jennerator talking about washing special no-no places. I
don't know about anyone else, but I'm spruuuung, if you know what I mean.)
543. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:04:12 PM
LIVE AT HUNSECKER'S DINNER THEATER: ACE AND JEN
Ace: You're the cream
in my coffee, baby.
Jen: Good. Now you can make a cup for both of us.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
"These two are wowzers!" says Mike Pico of
the Johnstown Gazette.
"More fun than Cats and Christmas combined!"
raves the Hughesville Bugle.
544. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:04:12 PM
My special no-no place needs washing too.
545. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:05:25 PM
Ace
Yeah. This is some of your best work. And bringing on Carol
Channing was genius.
546. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:05:38 PM
Sweet Little Francis finally fought back.
About time.
547. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:07:27 PM
Up until now Francis has been sputtering like a low-rent Richard Belzer:
"Yeah. Yeah. No-no place. Real funny. Yeah. Like Reagan firing the Air Traffic
Controllers. Real swift move there, Ronny Raygun. Uhhh, Mommy? Yeah.
Yeah. Real cool. Real mature."
548. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:10:22 PM
Funny like Gallagher smashing watermelons.
549. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:11:22 PM
Hoo-boy.
You bought her, hombre.
Your own Elaine Boozler.
Enjoy.
550. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:12:55 PM
Yeah. Yeah. Elaine Boozler. Yeah. Just like Star Wars. Uhhh, Mommy,
should I nuke the Russians now? Yeah. Funny. Funny like Joy Behar. Funny
like Alexander Haig. I am in control here, now. Yeah. Way to read the
Constitution, asshole. But you know--! Ha ha ha ha.
551. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:13:41 PM
Francis, that hurt.
I'm going to tell everyone what I caught you
doing in the bathroom, now.
552. seadate - 3/23/2001 4:15:25 PM
Squatting to pee?
553. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:16:17 PM
No, really. She's funny, and her timing is . . . just so.
Maybe
janjon could join the act, a Smothers Brothers/Cher thing.
554. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:18:14 PM
Seadate,
Worse, she was giving herself hickies on her hands
pretending that Fabio was her boyfriend.
555. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:18:15 PM
Ace, the lone wolf, with janjon and Jenerator on the marquee.
"TWO
GUYS, A GIRL, AND A PIZZA PLACE!"
When funny just doesn't do it justice.
556. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:19:58 PM
Yeah. Yeah. Funny as the missing eighteen minutes of the Watergate tapes
that Rosemary Woods erased. By accident. Ooops! Yeah. Yeah. Got a lot of good
material on those tapes. "I... am not a crook!" Yeah. Sock it to me,
Tricky Dick. That always kills 'em in Poughkeepsie. Yeah. Like Ronny Reagun
threatening to nuke the Russians. Uhhh, Mommy, is this mike on? Yeah.
Bust a gut. But you know---! ha ha ha ha.
557. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:20:36 PM
Ace
Do the Hispanic Momma routine with Jen.
That's my
favorite. She never steps on your toes.
You two kids have hit on the
modern version of "My name eees Joseeeee Jiminez."
Classic.
Do
you three sit around the office, like Dick, Morey and Mary Tyler?
Oh. Of
course you do.
558. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:22:10 PM
No, Ace. The solo Belzer stuff is nowhere near as good as your crack work with janjon and Jenerator.
559. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:22:26 PM
Sweet Little Francis: "Fabio, do you love me? Your hair is like totally
cool."
**sucks top of right hand really hard checking to make sure hicky
is visible.
Sweet Little Francis: (in fake male voice) "I want to spread
open your petals and siege your loins you 9th grade vixen!"
Sweet Little
Francis: (starts massaging own back with both hands) "I love you Fabio..."(makes
slurping noises)
560. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:24:19 PM
Yeah. Morey Amsterdam. Gave names to the House Unamerican Activities
Committee. Or he would have, if they'd called him. Yeah. Yeah. Real funny.
Hundreds of people blacklisted. Yeah. Big chuckles there. Sort of like when
Ronny Reagun broke the ATC union. Uhhhhh, Mommy, should I subvert the
Constitution now? Yeah. Yeah. I know I already said that. It bears
repreating. Sort of like Dennis Miller just repeats my act. Yeah. Yeah. Dennis
Miller. Sportscaster of the Century. But you know---!!! Ha ha ha.
561. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:24:41 PM
Well, you lay down with Poundstone . . .
What's next, Ace?
Smiley faces :]
and
janjon: "I rather think francie is
too short ot get to the sink"
Ace: "You said that, right, janny. Let me
tell you about his Mommy."
jenerator: "Oh boy. Here we go again!"
[Laugh track]
562. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:25:46 PM
Ace
559 is all you, baby. Good work.
563. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:26:56 PM
Whoa.
My bad.
559 was jen.
Imagine that.
564. Jenerator - 3/23/2001 4:27:22 PM
Bummer, I have to go.
565. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:29:02 PM
Yeah. Yeah. I'm too short to read the post's slug-line. Three telephone
books and I'm only tall enough to read the Posting Window box. Yeah. yeah. My
life's a living hell. Yeah. Yeah. I welcome the sweet embrace of Death. Yeah.
Yeah. Like Ronny Raygun, destroying the world to save it. Uhhhhh, Mommy,
should I blow up the Death Star now? Yeah. Yeah. Real topical. All of my
material dates from 1989.
Yeah.
566. Francis Urquhart - 3/23/2001 4:29:17 PM
Jen
Don't worry.
Ace used to be a solo act.
567. Jon Ferguson - 3/23/2001 4:30:17 PM
559 was great.
Rest of it was pretty tiresome.
568. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:31:25 PM
Yeah. Yeah. Jon Feguson knows comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Like Alexander Haig
knows the Presidential Order of Succession. Yeah. Yeah. But you know--!
569. AceofSpades - 3/23/2001 4:35:28 PM
Yeah. Yeah. Another name-change. That'll fool 'em. This thread has the lifespan of Ronny Raygun's memory center. Yeah. Yeah. But you know--!
570. JudithAtHome - 3/23/2001 5:05:43 PM
Cool new name...
571. ButterfieldSwire - 3/24/2001 7:35:08 PM
Did you here about the new computer virus that sends out an e-mail saying "Check out the attached picture of Chelsea Clinton naked?" Its gotta couple of twists. The picture is real, but it destroys your monitor instead of your hard drive.
572. ScottLoar - 3/24/2001 7:38:20 PM
That title couldn't tempt me.
573. Uzmakk - 3/24/2001 7:50:31 PM
Loar, you are the last person I expected to see in Ace's Acehole.
574. Jon Ferguson - 3/24/2001 10:10:43 PM
Perfection WARNING!! FEMALE NUDITY!!
Is that porn?
575. wonkers2 - 3/25/2001 10:31:40 PM
No, it must be Jenerator.
576. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 2:47:47 AM
I'm surprised. Urkel's still fuckin' Urkel....Urquhart, whatever. I figured
by now he'd have moved on to "Lester Burnham" or "Alex Portnoy" or "Freddie
Patek" or something. For shame, Paco. Change that pussy-ass handle already.
Ace: More "Sword of Gondlebreath", please. Takes me back to those
D&D milieus in the 8th grade (which was the hardest 3 years of my life).
Some numbnuts DM wants to tell a fuckin' story, and all we wanna do is run
through a Monty Haul campaign while scarfing root beer and bacon-flavored
Cheetos.
I mean, when you're 13 years old and it's a Sunday afternoon
and it ain't football season yet, your basic options are hiding out with a stack
of your dad's Penthouses, or reinforcing your masculinity by slaughtering a
bunch of bugbears and sahuagins.
Sweater Meat Alert (to add to the
already estimable list): Katherine Heigl. Check her (and Meredith Salenger) out
in Bug Buster. Lame movie; excellent boner fuel.
I got some ripe
Bush material to unload in the Politics bin; check you heathens out later in the
week.
577. PsychProf - 3/26/2001 6:58:39 AM
Eric...good to see your name pop up.
578. PelleNilsson - 3/26/2001 7:09:51 AM
Welcome back Eric!
(Psst, we have a rant thread now)
579. Frankster - 3/26/2001 10:55:42 AM
Welcome back, Eric! We've been wondering 'bout cha.
I hope everything
is alright ?
580. vonKreedon - 3/26/2001 11:21:44 AM
> A political talk radio program in the Portland, Oregon, asked
>
the audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton
> $1.7
million house in Chappaqua, New York. The call-in contest
> required the
names to be in relative good taste, original, and
> should capture the
essence of one or both of the Clinton's. The
> response was overwhelming!
>
> Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:
>
> Perjurers' Palace
> Hillbilly Villa
> The House
of Bill's Repute
> Drawers Downs
> Cheatem Estates
> Sin
Simeon
> The Knee Pad
> The White Trash House
> The Blight
House
> The Panderosa Liars' Lair
> Billy & Hilly's Bribe
& Breakfast
> Dogpatch on the Hudson
> The Hen House
>
The Out House
> The Love Shack
> The House of Seven Felonies
> Motel Sex
> Motel-68 Plus An Unindicted One
>
>
But the clear, hands-down winner?
>
> DISGRACELAND
>
581. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 11:43:55 AM
wonkers2,
You flatter me! This cartoon does me justice... 
582. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 11:44:38 AM
You see, I'm all about real glamour. Never overstated!
583. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 12:34:08 PM
For Francis: 
584. Fielding - 3/26/2001 12:35:55 PM
He needs an underwire.
585. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 12:37:42 PM
Francis knows how to pick them!
586. Frankster - 3/26/2001 12:46:38 PM
... He needs a haircut.
587. Stephanie D. - 3/26/2001 1:55:02 PM
Are we never going to hear more of the Sword of Gondlebreath? I showed the first two sections to my boyfriend and he wants to see more! Me, too.
588. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 2:48:36 PM
He needs a longer neck and somebody else's face on top of it. Then he might be able to panhandle for a personality.
589. janjon - 3/26/2001 3:41:50 PM
Nice horse, though.
590. janjon - 3/26/2001 3:49:17 PM
Just who is that absurd specimen.
591. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 3:50:54 PM
It's Francis' boyfriend.
592. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 3:54:10 PM
Janjon,
It's Fabio. He's a model most often seen on the fronts of
boddice-ripper papaerbacks like that one in the bottom left corner of the
picture.
593. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 3:54:40 PM
He's also the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spokes-model.
594. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 3:59:04 PM
Hahaha! Nice one, Acehole! I take back every terrible thing I ever said about
the moist Scoutmaster/Canteen Boy relationship between yourself and Urquhel.
And did I mention that your boy Bush is a full-on dipshit moron with the
morals of a slug?
595. janjon - 3/26/2001 3:59:47 PM
Well, he certainly eats a lot of a "special" mix that ain't got a lot of
Cheerios in it.
I have no way of knowing, but hard to believe that women
would find that...type...appealing.
I cannot comment on Frankie's taste,
either.
596. RosettaStone - 3/26/2001 4:00:22 PM
Please change the thread headline.
597. Fielding - 3/26/2001 4:02:03 PM
Welcome back, Eric.
If you can put up a nice rant in the Rants
thread, I will promote the heck out of it.
598. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 4:02:49 PM
Fielding:
I can probably knock a decent one off before my afternoon
constitutional.
599. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 4:06:58 PM
I don't know just how "back" I am, btw. I'm sort of in a holding pattern
right now -- most of my home improvement projects are completed, and the wife
hasn't popped yet, but it's literally any day now, so I get to play hooky from
work on the days I have to take her in for a checkup.
So I'll probably
be around quite a bit for a couple weeks, then it's assholes and elbows again.
Anyway, I dig the thread title change. I like when shit gets named after
me. As they say, any publicity is good, as long as they spell the name right.
600. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 4:07:54 PM
[JanJon-- I thought you meant Frankster when you said Frankie before, now I
see that you meant Francis(cine), sorry.]
How could anyone have
found Clinton sexy?? The thought of him on a beach in a bathing suit is
enough to make any girl lose her appetite!
601. RosettaStone - 3/26/2001 4:13:41 PM
Eric: You may think the thread header is fine and dandy, but others don't.
Please change it, Ace, to something less pornographic.
And,
Jenerator, please stop flirting. You're a married woman now.
602. PelleNilsson - 3/26/2001 4:15:33 PM
Rosetta is in preaching mode.
603. Jenerator - 3/26/2001 4:18:33 PM
Who am I flirting with?? I was dissing Clinton!
604. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 4:19:45 PM
Stone, if I gave a rat's ass about what others think, I wouldn't be the
entertainment legend that I am today.
Anyone who has a problem with
pussy has bigger problems than they realize. Pussy is the greatest thing known
to mankind.
Though an ice-cold brewski sounds pretty fuckin' sweet right
about now.
605. RosettaStone - 3/26/2001 4:27:32 PM
Jen: Take my advise before your husband takes away your mote privileges.
606. wonkers2 - 3/26/2001 4:33:02 PM
Jen, your'e too modest!
607. Cellar Door - 3/26/2001 4:35:15 PM
608. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 4:36:53 PM
Cellar,
I think your picture is funny, but that is the fourth or
fifth time you've linked to it.
609. vonKreedon - 3/26/2001 4:37:47 PM
But Ace, it's the first time it's been on topic for the thread.
610. Cellar Door - 3/26/2001 4:38:16 PM
What can I say, Ace? I LOVE COCK!
611. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 4:39:52 PM
Speaking of problems with pussy I almost got into a bar fight outside the
biggest lesbian entertainment center in the U.S.
We're standing outside
the front of the club getting some air after working up a sweat on the
dancefloor when this guy from out of nowhere starts yelling at the doorman
calling him a faggot and a cocksucker and a big ol' pussy.
All the women
standing around are looking at this guy like he's out of his mind (which he had
to have been). I think it's just a wonderful idea to open my big mouth and yell
at him "You're standing in front of the wrong club if you've got a problem with
Pussy, buddy."
The guy turns around and looks at me like he's going to
come kick my ass and I think I'm a total goner. He opens his mouth like he's
going to say something else and then he gets this kind of strange look on his
face, turns around and stomps off down the block.
I have about five
seconds to congratulate myself on my menacing appearance before I get a tap on
the shoulder: "Not too shabby for a Breeder, honey. Lemme buy you a drink." Says
the biggest, scariest bull-dyke I have ever seen in my life. She's got a five
woman posse behind her that makes the Hell's Angels look like a demo.
Yeah, I'm tough. sheesh.
612. vonKreedon - 3/26/2001 4:46:24 PM
Damn Coz! That's a moment to cherish.
613. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 4:49:26 PM
Until my dying day!
614. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 4:50:15 PM
btw, how the hell are ya?
615. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 4:52:16 PM
I think I'm gonna change this thread to "Cybersex."
Christmas,
something has to get the traffic up.
616. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 4:53:46 PM
Relax, Ace, you're already running at nearly 4 times the volume of Ask Dr. X for your first week in production.
617. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 4:54:41 PM
I've shat out stools that had higher traffic that Dr. Smith's abortion.
618. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 4:57:21 PM
Well, that may be, but I only wanted to point out that you're hardly in danger of stagnation yet.
619. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 4:59:14 PM
Dr. Smith set a standard of quality and excellence that few, save a
couple of long brown floaters in my toilet, have yet exceeded.
620. RosettaStone - 3/26/2001 5:02:13 PM
Notice how one of the former "Male hating" mote managers congratulates Ace's
vanity thread with its pornographic headlines, while dissing the informative Dr.
X's Q&A that she erased.
What's important to her is the "volume" of
posts.
621. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:02:57 PM
What's important is the "volume" of my chocolate ass-trout.
622. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:05:09 PM
Or my fudge-colored butt-sturgeons.
623. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 5:06:40 PM
Ace:
Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Perhaps diverting
your considerable screenwriting talents to speechwriting for Gump can accomplish
the same thing, and get you some political juice in the bargain.
624. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 5:07:08 PM
(Yes, I'm just trying to stir up some shit, so to speak, before I take off for the afternoon.)
625. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:08:25 PM
"Yes, I'm just trying to stir up some shit"
Why not just fuck
your wife for once?
626. ChristinO - 3/26/2001 5:09:05 PM
If volume were the sole factor I considered I'd be more fond of you, Rosie.
Male-hating. Yep, that's me.
Quit being such an annoying
little pipsqueak. You're about as entertaining as a pimple on Pamela Anderson's
ass.
627. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:09:22 PM
You think she doesn't like sex?
That's not what I hear.
I have my "sources." A couple of my "cousins" in the Aerospace &
Chiropractic industries gang-banged her.
628. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:10:46 PM
Seriously, Cartman, she's practically giving that shit away. You might as
well take advantage.
629. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 5:15:00 PM
Ace, I've taken so much advantage that the kid's gonna come out with dents in
her forehead.
Kinda like you did after I got done with your mom.
630. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:17:13 PM
"I've taken so much advantage that the kid's gonna come out with dents in
her forehead."
Little, tiny dents. Pinpricks, really.
I avoid
all that. When I see your wife, it's Pow, straight for the keister.
631. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:17:37 PM
You know-- the crap-factory.
632. AceofSpades - 3/26/2001 5:28:36 PM
Fuckin' pussy.
633. EricCartman - 3/26/2001 5:43:02 PM
Yeah, I know you like that ass traffic, salad-shooter. I hear your asshole
has its own on-ramp, and your shit usually looks like melted fudge ripple ice
cream -- mostly white with streaks of brown.
Douchebag. Go write a
complete sentence for your retard President* to rehearse. I gotta take off for a
while.
634. Cellar Door - 3/26/2001 8:13:35 PM
635. EricCartman - 3/27/2001 12:59:05 AM
Jeez Ace, are you sure I'm the pussy in this bitch-slap? I come back
expecting to see some primo material, and nothin'.
I mean, if you're
just gonna play Joaquin Phoenix to my Russell Crowe, okely-dokely, but I was
hoping Ace's World would rock a little harder. Maybe you need Garth (Gary,
Urquhel, whatever) to help you out, whenever he gets done defending Brown &
Williamson.
636. RustlerPike - 3/27/2001 5:35:00 AM
You're about as entertaining as a pimple on Pamela Anderson's ass.
I can think of less entertaining things.
637. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 7:53:20 AM
I see the gay gadfly has been leaving droppings on various threads, but we cannot claim that he is off topic here.
638. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 7:59:46 AM
Message # 620I must agree with Rosetta that this is pretty sad stuff. Volume yes, but a landfill has great volume also.
639. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 8:00:57 AM
ass-trout, chuckle chuckle.
640. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 8:10:00 AM
btw, Ace, brown ass-trout would be better than chocolate, there actually being a brown trout.
641. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 9:04:05 AM
FU (452):
Indy You traitorous puss. What kind of major domo are
you? I leave for a week and you supplicant for Ace?
Let not the
anger of my lord wax hot: thou knowest the people, that they are set on
mischief. For they said unto me, Make us gods, which shall go before us: for as
for this Francis, we wot not what is become of him.
Behold, Ace's golden
"calf."
642. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 12:05:17 PM
Where is the Acehole of Gondlebreath?
643. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:09:09 PM
Right here, fucker.
644. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 12:15:39 PM
Oh goody!! (Uzmakk takes his fingers from the keyboard in an Ed Wynnish finger tangling gesture.)
645. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:19:32 PM
Movie line quiz (placed here to increase traffic). Indentify film,
speaker (actor or character, character better). "--" indicates a reply to the
first line by a second character."
1) I want more life, fucker.
2) Oh, wait... I just remembered. I'm only supposed to use it [ a credit
card] for emergencies.
-- Well, maybe one will come up.
3) Wait,
I'm a little confused on this whole good-bad thing. Define "bad."
4)
____, I love you! But we only have four hours left to save the earth!
5)
You wouldn't kill me, not after what we've just done...
-- Well, I
wouldn't have killed you *before.*
6) Yeah, but it's a dry heat.
7) And who are you? Wheels?
8) The litmus configur-eration?
-- The litmus configuration.
9) Oh, great. Another crime... I
don't like you. I don't like anything you do.
10) What is that?
-- It's a blue-stick.
What's it do?
-- It turns blue.
11) Good lord... what happened to him?
-- I guess they... they
pushed him too far.
12) Do you read me, Sweetheart?
--
It's not a subtle point you're making.
13) I've got JEWS at my table!
14) Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. They're all gonna die!
15) Why don't we
go into the bedroom, and I can fill you in...?
646. Fielding - 3/27/2001 12:23:55 PM
15 is Fletch.
647. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:26:18 PM
16) Look, what do you want me to say?!
-- You could say a fat
woman was using the phone and it took you a moment to get her off.
17)
I'll need a fast car.
(money is riffled)
Faster than that.
18)
Look at the buns on that.
-- Yeah, he must work out.
19) I think
I broke his freaking neck!
20) Good father? Fuck you. Go home and play
with your kids.
648. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:26:44 PM
Yuhp. Fletch. Line spoken by Fletch F. Fletch, The Shepherd.
649. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:29:54 PM
1. Blade Runner, Rutger Hauer, to the scientist that created him?
650. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:30:47 PM
Yuhp.
651. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:31:27 PM
13. Jack Nicholson, Good As it Gets
652. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:31:52 PM
Probably to Helen Hunt.
653. CalGal - 3/27/2001 12:32:04 PM
3) Bill Murray, Ghostbusters.
654. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:32:42 PM
Yuhp.
655. CalGal - 3/27/2001 12:32:44 PM
6) Bill Paxton, Aliens.
656. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:32:45 PM
17. Burt Reynolds to the millionaire, Smoky and the Bandit
657. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:33:09 PM
yuhp yuhp yuhp yuhp
658. CalGal - 3/27/2001 12:34:33 PM
13 is As Good As It Gets? I thought 12 was, to Greg Kinnear.
659. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:35:08 PM
12. Humphrey Bogart to Lauren Bacall To Have and Have Not?
Guessing, but it sure sounds like Bogart.
660. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:35:37 PM
No, it's a recent movie.
661. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:36:18 PM
5. Arnold to Sharon Stone, Total Recall?
662. Fielding - 3/27/2001 12:36:49 PM
12 sounds like House of Games.
663. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:36:52 PM
Yuhp. Both 12 and 13 are Nicholson in As Good as it Gets. Simon (Kinnear)
responds "It's not a... subtle point you're making."
There is another
double in the list.
664. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:37:18 PM
5 is not Arnold. 5 is a seventies action classic.
665. Jon Ferguson - 3/27/2001 12:37:51 PM
Hey Gondlebreath-boy, get to work on the next episode and stop wasting our fucking time with this boring quiz.
666. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:37:59 PM
10. Men in Black? Tommy Lee Jones to Will Smith?
667. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 12:38:54 PM
No Men in Black. Some of these guesses have the whiff of desperation.
668. Indiana Jones - 3/27/2001 12:48:44 PM
19. The guy who played Lerch. The Longest Yard to various and sundry
other players.
Gotta go do some work. I'm sure I've heard the blue stick
one.
669. Raskolnikov - 3/27/2001 1:42:39 PM
1) Roy Baty, Blade Runner
2) Can't place it.
3) dunno.
4) Melody
Anderson, Flash Gordon (1980)
5) You Only Live Twice, I think. I know its a
Bond film.
6) Private Hudson, Aliens
7) dunno.
8) No clue.
9) no
clue.
10) Kyra Sedgwick in Singles?
11) dunno
12) dunno
13) I
just saw this. Almost Famous?
14) can't place it.
15) Fletch, in Fletch
16) unknown
17) Bandit, in Smokey and the Bandit
18) no clue
19)
Longest Yard?
20) Alec Baldwin, Glengarry Glen Ross?
670. PelleNilsson - 3/27/2001 2:10:34 PM
Ace is turning this into a respectable thread with parlour games and stuff. Next stop: health food recipies. How disappointing.
671. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 2:26:08 PM
Pelle:
Could you please put the Pontic of Gondlebreath up here and
let Ace go on from there.
672. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:19:10 PM
Repost:
1) I want more life, fucker. -- Roy Baty, Blade Runner. Indy
(rask got the character name).
2) Oh, wait... I just remembered. I'm
only supposed to use it [ a credit card] for emergencies.
-- Well, maybe
one will come up. -- Open.
3) Wait, I'm a little confused on this whole
good-bad thing. Define "bad." -- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters. Cal.
4)
____, I love you! But we only have four hours left to save the earth!
Melody, Flash Gordon. Rask.
5) You wouldn't kill me, not after what
we've just done...
-- Well, I wouldn't have killed you *before.* --
OPEN. Rask is on the right track.
6) Yeah, but it's a dry heat. --
Hudson, Aliens. Cal.
7) And who are you? Wheels? -- OPEN. 2000 movie.
8) The litmus configur-eration?
-- The litmus configuration.
-- Easy. Can't believe nobody got it yet. OPEN.
9) Oh, great.
Another crime... I don't like you. I don't like anything you do.
OPEN.
Same film as 8.
10) What is that?
-- It's a blue-stick.
What's it do?
-- It turns blue.
-- OPEN
11) Good
lord... what happened to him?
-- I guess they... they pushed him too
far.
-- Late eighties/early nineties comedy/horror sequel. OPEN.
12) Do you read me, Sweetheart?
-- It's not a subtle point
you're making. -- Good as it Gets. Cal, I think.
13) I've got JEWS at my
table! Good as it Gets. Indy.
673. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:19:18 PM
14) Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. They're all gonna die! -- OPEN. The seamenal
blockbuster.
15) Why don't we go into the bedroom, and I can fill you
in...? -- Fletch. Fielding.
16) Look, what do you want me to say?!
-- You could say a fat woman was using the phone and it took you a
moment to get her off.
OPEN. Underrated but overtelevised action sequel.
17) I'll need a fast car.
(money is riffled)
Faster than that.
-- Bandit in Smokey & the bandit. Indy.
18) Look at the buns on
that.
-- Yeah, he must work out. -- Open. Big early nineties comedy.
19) I think I broke his freaking neck!
-- Longest Yard, Lurch. Indy.
20) Good father? Fuck you. Go home and play with your kids. Alec
Baldwin, Glengarry Glen Rose. Raskalnikov.
674. Raskolnikov - 3/27/2001 3:26:14 PM
7) Gone in 60 seconds. I forget who says it.
675. Raskolnikov - 3/27/2001 3:26:52 PM
16) Die Hard with a Vengeance?
676. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:26:54 PM
No.
677. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:27:56 PM
16, yes. Die Hard with a Vengeance.
A scene which was shot at my
subway station.
678. Raskolnikov - 3/27/2001 3:29:55 PM
It isn't Lurch in Longest Yard, is it? I thought it was Richard Kiel, i.e. Jaws from the James Bond films.
679. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:31:14 PM
Oh, right.
680. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 3:31:47 PM
Lurch died young, as most giants do.
I always call Richard Kiel
"Lurch."
681. PelleNilsson - 3/27/2001 3:43:22 PM
The Pontic of Gondlebreath.
A prize to die for. 
682. robertjayb - 3/27/2001 4:47:32 PM
Members Only...the Icelandic Phallological Museum...
March 27, 2001 | In a world arguably obsessed with the penis,
Iceland's Sigurdur Hjartarson could quite possibly be the most obsessed. A
self-proclaimed "phallologist," he has been chasing after penises in his home
country for over 25 years. He owns more than 100 penises, and he likely knows
more about penile parts and penile behavior than any other living human. He is,
in "phallological" circles, the Man.
683. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 4:59:02 PM
robertjayb:
Reminds me of the book collector who had his copy of Moby
Dick bound in whale penis skin.
684. Stephanie D. - 3/27/2001 5:10:39 PM
No. 2 is from The Sure Thing, Daphne Zuniga and John Cusack.
685. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 5:15:04 PM
Ace is a pussy.
686. lemwalker - 3/27/2001 5:25:44 PM
I once trained a pair a roosters to do simple tricks.
687. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 5:36:46 PM
Uzmakk,
If you want to fight with me, you have to offer me some
personal information so that I can make fun of you.
Otherwise, I can
only call you "butt munch" or "cocksucker" and that's not a lot of fun.
StephanieD:
Yeahp, sure thing.
688. Uzmakk - 3/27/2001 5:39:33 PM
Ace:
I am 150lbs overweight and a championship ballroom dancer.
689. AceofSpades - 3/27/2001 6:08:37 PM
Tempting...
690. Fielding - 3/27/2001 6:38:49 PM
Ace:
"A scene which was shot at my subway station."
You must live on those cheap hot dogs.
691. wonkers2 - 3/27/2001 7:44:13 PM
Cap'n Dirty sez, "I'd leave 'em mine but they'd have to add a new wing onter the muzeem."
692. EricCartman - 3/28/2001 1:34:25 AM
18 is incredibly easy -- Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey in Dumb &
Dumber, in one of the lamer (yet most overplayed) punchlines in the whole
thing.
God help me, I know 8 & 9, but I'm drawing a blank. The only
thing I can think of is the Diceman classic Adventures of Ford Fairlane.
#9 sounds like one of the riffs between Ed O'Neill and Dice.
693. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 3:00:50 PM
Correct on Dumb and Dumber, wrong on 8 & 9. The lines are from a much
more famous, much more popular, much more BETTER movie.
In fact, they're
from one of the best comedy-action movies of all time. No, strike that-- THE
best.
694. Jenerator - 3/28/2001 3:48:38 PM
[I have it on good authority that Uzmakk drinks Zima's and watches One Life to Live, religiously.]
695. Jenerator - 3/28/2001 3:49:19 PM
[I have it on good authority that Uzmakk drinks Zima's and watches One Life to Live fanatically.]
696. Fielding - 3/28/2001 3:55:14 PM
Is it fanatically or religiously? Make up your mind, Jen!
697. Jenerator - 3/28/2001 4:05:04 PM
I have no idea how that happened.
698. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:14:22 PM
What a loser title. Next up: "Ask Dr. Ace" 
699. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:15:49 PM
Note: My previous post was an attempt to avoid buying in on this communicative mode's latest paradigm shift.
700. Cellar Door - 3/28/2001 4:18:39 PM
You'll find a whole mess o paradigm shifts in here!
701. marjoribanks - 3/28/2001 4:21:34 PM
I'm particularly enamoured by the word 'incentivize'. I try to use it as much as possible, my colleagues all seem to appreciate it.
702. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:23:47 PM
We can visualize the process of solving a problem as three sets with
multiple points of intersection:
One is the PROBLEM SET, "P," a
mathematical set containing all of our potential problems
Another is the
SOLUTION SET, "S," a set of all available solutions.
Lastly is the COST
SET, "C," a set containing all costs we are willing to pay in order to solve our
problems.
Now, where P intersects with S but not with C, we have a set
of Solutions too Costly to implement.
Where S does not intersect with P,
we have a subset of SOLUTIONS which do not cure any of our current needs (also
called "Inventoried Wants").
Where P does not intersect with S, we have
problems for which we have no available solution.
Finally, where P, S,
and C all mutually intersect, we have a small subset (or subuniverse) of
solutions which have available solutions and whose costs we are willing to pay.
An example of this simple visualization process in action:
1, I
identified a problem, P. The problem? Not enough Traffic.
2, I
identified the subset of solutions (S sub P) which actually were capable of
curing this Inventoried Want. I ignored all Solutions which did not address this
Inventoried Want, such as Buy a Bag of Skittles and Eat it, which solves the
Inventoried Want of a "Sugar Need Problem" but not the Inventoried Want of Too
Little Traffic.
3, I also checked the smaller subset of solutions (S sub
P sub C) which I was actually willing to pay to implement, eschewing such
solutions (S sub P but not C) which do not exist in my Cost Space, such as "Give
everyone a thousand dollars if they agree to visit my thread."
4, I
*IMPLEMENTED* (and I can't stress how important IMPLEMENTATION is here, folks)
one suitable solution, P sub S sub C, which is "Change the name of the thread
and hope for the best."
703. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:23:57 PM
Learn it, people. It's a simple
three-intersecting-mathematical-sets/four-step-process Execution Tree.
And this Execution tree has LITERALLY saved my life. And I mean that
literally.
704. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:27:56 PM
Indy's posting of a Cheesecake shot does not satisfy any of the
Inventoried Wants in my current Problem Space.
705. marjoribanks - 3/28/2001 4:28:56 PM
WWI fighter pilot, eh?
706. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:30:33 PM
Fuck off, foreigner. You do not exist in my Banter Space.
707. CalGal - 3/28/2001 4:32:25 PM
Ace,
I can't tell if you are joking, because stuff like that is said
all the time in my line of work.
But I don't usually define the set as
all problems and all solutions.
Usually there is a problem statement, a
solution set, and then implementations for each solution, each with a M:1
relationship with the one before.
Many people irritate me by stating a
solution--or worse, an implementation!--as a problem.
708. sakonige - 3/28/2001 4:33:53 PM
The woman in the bikini looks like an American Indian.
Too bad
about her artificial breasts.
709. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:34:46 PM
Good god! I hate it when they do that.
A properly constructed
Implementation Space must never be visualized as bordering on or penetrating
into (or sharing Identity with) a Solution Space, for crying out loud.
710. Jenerator - 3/28/2001 4:35:33 PM
Ace,
It ill-behooves you to be less disengenuous.
Gag.
711. CalGal - 3/28/2001 4:35:51 PM
So for example, in your case, what you define as a Problem is actually a
misstatement of one member of the solution set.
The Problem is "I am
unhappy with the current state of my thread."
The solution set contains
things like, "Quit hosting", "Improve traffic flow", "change my expectations".
Then implementation varies depending on the solution chosen. You chose
"improve traffic flow". It has several implementations, obviously. You've chosen
"Change the name and start a new discussion", I guess.
712. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:36:25 PM
sakonige: I doubt they're fake. If so, she should have gotten a discount on
the surgery. Note how she is using her arms to create the illusion of more there
than is there.
Elsa Benitez is pretty small, unless she's been recently
augmented.
713. seadate - 3/28/2001 4:38:41 PM
definitely implants
714. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:38:45 PM
Well, Cal, that's true, but I like to envision the Implementation Space
as a fourth-dimensional space which coterminates and coextends with the
others, much like Time coterminates and coextends with actual three-dimensional
("real") space.
Therefore, the Implementation Space exists on the T
axis, rather than the three axes with which we are so intimately familiar (X, Y,
Z).
It is for that reason I folded the Implementation Space into the
Solution Space. While this may not be technically correct, I fear that the
proper four-dimesional analysis is too difficult for those first learning this
highly-impactful Execution Tree.
715. Fielding - 3/28/2001 4:39:23 PM
Definitely fake. There are pre-op topless photos which are dispositive. Nice
cheekbones, though.
716. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:42:55 PM
Give the people what they want.
717. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:44:48 PM
I beg to differ, unless she got awfully small implants.
From the same
SI shoot: 
Click on the pic for a closer look. In some pics she just
manages to make them look bigger.
718. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:45:45 PM
Indy,
Some women are flat-chested, and only get A or B cup implants.
719. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:45:57 PM
Much better tit-le.
720. Fielding - 3/28/2001 4:47:56 PM
Still disagree, Indy.
If she had them go any bigger, she would look
ridiculous. Of course, some people like the "ridiculous" look.
721. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:47:57 PM
Ace: The hell you say!
That's like a man getting a 3 inch implant.
722. CalGal - 3/28/2001 4:48:02 PM
Well, it is true that the dimensions of Implementation impact the boundaries of Problem and Solution when not carefully assessed for dimensional conflicts. But I am reluctant to advocate oblique obfuscations of properly bounded solution sets, no matter how well-intended the inaccurate presentation. It incents those otherwise not inclined towards accurate analysis to further obscure and diffuse the already murky imprecisions I observe in daily interactions.
723. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:48:13 PM
Shit. I got more fucking traffic with "The Proactive Thread."
724. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:48:54 PM
"That's like a man getting a 3 inch implant."
And?
725. seadate - 3/28/2001 4:49:05 PM
wrong thread
726. CalGal - 3/28/2001 4:49:39 PM
Whoops. Didn't see the title change.
It's true that some women get
implants to a B cup.
727. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:50:04 PM
But just think how many lurkers you're attracting.
728. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:51:35 PM
If I had jugs, I'd name them "Bethany" and "Linda."
729. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:52:25 PM
Or "Francis" and "Cartman."
730. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:52:34 PM
If I had jugs, my hands would be too busy to post.
731. Ronski - 3/28/2001 4:53:05 PM
Even I'm lurking, but what I would have to post would be entirely historical.
732. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:53:19 PM
I guess we know where that leaves Von Kreedon.
733. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:54:48 PM
VonKreedon is drawing up GURPS rules for "Jugs: The Heaving."
734. CalGal - 3/28/2001 4:55:15 PM
Ace,
No, you wouldn't. Not if you had them. That's the tragedy.
735. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:55:42 PM
The only jugs VonKreedon's ever seen were on the Succubus in the Monster
Manual.
Fuckin' pussy.
736. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:56:53 PM
"Even I'm lurking, but what I would have to post would be entirely
historical."
Even gay guys love jugs.
Jugs are the comic sexual
organs. Vaginas and cocks are dead-serious, but jugs always get a smile or a
laugh.
737. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:56:55 PM
That explains why he was alway taking it in the bathroom with him.
738. Fielding - 3/28/2001 4:57:57 PM
"That's the tragedy."
More like farce.
739. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 4:58:11 PM
Hm.
I think it's time to begin looking at that Solution Set
again.
740. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:58:16 PM
Breasts are nurturing.
Show of hands...
Breastfed?
741. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 4:59:12 PM
Show of hands...
Until puberty?
742. Fielding - 3/28/2001 4:59:46 PM
Well, if Indy's not going to put up any more cheesecake, I'm out of here.
743. seadate - 3/28/2001 5:00:11 PM
Still breastfeeding, I'm happy to say :-)
744. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:02:06 PM
I think this is a bad picture of Letha Weapons.
745. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:02:46 PM
Santa Claus is coming... to my pants.
746. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:03:26 PM
Those may be implants. But I can't tell.
They sure look
real.
747. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 5:03:27 PM
This will keep Fielding's attention... 
748. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:04:09 PM
mommy...
749. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:06:45 PM
No one can say this is pornagraphic, because it's too silly: 
750. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:08:10 PM
If I have my quantum mechanics right, and I think I do, those breasts
perfectly define four of the d electron orbitals.
751. Fielding - 3/28/2001 5:27:51 PM
What kind of name is "Letha Weapons"? I mean is "Weapons" Irish or something?
752. seadate - 3/28/2001 5:31:06 PM
Ace, your links are all coming up as a little red x on my PC.
753. AceofSpades - 3/28/2001 5:32:52 PM
Fielding,
Scottish.
Sea,
Well, you can
right-click on the pictures, click "Properties," and then copy and paste the URL
into your window.
754. Indiana Jones - 3/28/2001 5:40:19 PM
(So vonK doesn't feel left out.)
755. seadate - 3/28/2001 5:40:27 PM
thanks
756. robertjayb - 3/28/2001 6:40:31 PM
Visualize Anna Nicole Smith in orbit...
Women's breasts
rise up at right angles to the chest in space.
A reader has asked New
Scientist magazine if she'd need a bra on a space mission.
It said at
zero gravity breasts rise up at right angles to the chest and that she'd
probably want to wear a bra to keep control of them.
Ms J Blake, of
Harrogate, wrote: "I am endowed with a large bust and consequently always have
to wear a bra for support. If I was flying in space in a zero-gravity
environment would I no longer require my undergarment? And if not, what shape
would my breasts assume?"
Peter Bond, an adviser to the Royal
Astronomical Society, wrote in the magazine: "Breasts would float up and rest
horizontally at right angles to the chest."
He added: "Breasts would try
to become more spherical because there would be nothing pulling them down.
757. ChristinO - 3/28/2001 6:59:08 PM
Proof
that boobs can be both too perfect and too large.
I'll spare you the
"proof that boobs can be scary" pics.
758. sakonige - 3/28/2001 7:06:32 PM
The boobs on poor woman in the bottom picture are pretty scary. Half that
much weight on the front of a person will ruin their back.
759. ChristinO - 3/28/2001 7:19:03 PM
Yeah, they scared me nearly as bad as her hair. She looks a little bit like Sharon Stone.
760. lemwalker - 3/28/2001 7:35:13 PM
Just butting in. Has it been brought to the clubs' attention that;
Women's breasts are like toy trains. Designed for children, men like to play
with them too.
761. sakonige - 3/28/2001 7:49:42 PM
My husband often apologizes to me that my boobs are a result of
evolutionary natural selection by males.
762. HollyW - 3/28/2001 9:27:24 PM
I weaned my daughter about six weeks ago. Two or three days after my breasts
had deflated to their pre-pregnancy size...and I'm still trying to readjust.
Me: "I don't think they were this small before."
My husband: " No,
they are the same size as before. Very nice."
Me: "No, really, I think they
are much smaller. And not as perky. They are definately not perky anymore."
My husband: "What? They look totally perky to me. And the perfect size."
Me: "Nope. Look at this--when I put my arms over my head, they
disappear. See?
My husband: (rolls eyes)
(At any rate, you
can see one reason why I married him.)
763. ee - 3/28/2001 9:37:03 PM
I think these are
very nice jugs
764. jexster - 3/28/2001 11:21:03 PM
No offense CalGal or my dear lost yc...I think jugs are disgusting save for the nice one's ee just posted
765. sakonige - 3/29/2001 12:37:00 AM
You can have them surgically removed if they bother you, jexter. A lot of people do that nowadays.
766. Jon Ferguson - 3/29/2001 1:03:00 AM
What's the consensus on breastfeeding husbands?
I missed out on the
whole breastfeeding thing because I'm adopted and I'm really looking forward to
trying it out when my future wife gets pregnant. Do most women prevent their
husbands from raiding the udder? Do most men have no interest? Is breastmilk
gross? I'm curious.
767. Jon Ferguson - 3/29/2001 1:15:13 AM
Re 757
Breasts can never be too perfect. That's not to
say that I'd prefer fake 'perfect' breasts to real 'almost-perfect' ones. But
I'd definitely prefer fake 'perfect' breasts to real not-so-perfect ones.
The two chicks in ChrisO's picture have nice, albeit not perfect,
breasts. And I'd have to see the underside of the breast (where any scar's going
to be) to give a more definitive analysis.
Too large, yes. Anything
bigger than DD is too big. The 3rd woman in ChrisO's collection is a disgusting
freak. But she'd have ugly tits even if they were smaller. What I really hate is
when a chick with gorgeous nipples, a beautiful face, and an awesome body
decides that she needs a couple of gallons under each mammary to look good. And
I've seen quite a few like that.
768. sakonige - 3/29/2001 2:07:57 AM
I thought all three women looked deformed.
769. sakonige - 3/29/2001 2:11:36 AM
One of the sickest jokes about tits I heard recently is that some women
actually do have chest hair. I guess it would be normal for some especially
hairy ethnicities, but I couldn't help laughing.
770. vonKreedon - 3/29/2001 3:13:20 AM
Hey! I have too seen breasts! Real breasts on real co-eds gone wild at
Spring Break and Mardi Gras. There was this offer on TV for these two tapes for
some unreal low price, full of fucking jugs.
So there.
771. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 6:27:06 AM
Ace:
Jugs are fine, but it is the synergy of tits and bums that is
the phenomena of true significance.
772. RosettaStone - 3/29/2001 7:33:57 AM
My 14-year-old daughter is getting my wife's terrific figure and it annoys
the hell out of me to see boys look at her THAT WAY.
Single-sex girls'
Catholic prep school for her.
773. iiibbb - 3/29/2001 7:53:27 AM
http://www.thesaurus.com/roget/II/191.html
774. Jon Ferguson - 3/29/2001 8:43:04 AM
I've seen hairy nipples on a chick, but never a hairy chest.
How you
doin', Azure? Long time, no see.
775. ButterfieldSwire - 3/29/2001 8:44:00 AM
776. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 11:17:22 AM
Wow! Take me toward the light.
777. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 11:27:08 AM
Hello, Azure.
778. greystoke - 3/29/2001 11:38:32 AM
I have a hectic schedule, so I like hairy nipples.
They allow me to
floss during morning sex.
779. ChristinO - 3/29/2001 12:36:14 PM
I've only seen hairy nipples twice and both times it was lily-white caucasion
chicks that had 'em. Not just little short and curlies either but honest-to-god
braidable length. It's not really the sort of thing you can quiz another girl
about in the locker-room, though, so I don't know how either one of them felt
about it.
780. ChristinO - 3/29/2001 12:37:54 PM
Jon,
According to a friend of mine her husband really got off on her
lactating. I know there are magazines and videos devoted to lactating women so I
don't think it's an uncommon interest.
781. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 12:38:03 PM
I also have experience with hairy nipples: I dated the Yeti.
782. rubberducky - 3/29/2001 12:42:43 PM
Men love 'em, women love 'em. We all love jugs. Tell us about your jugs--
real or imagined.
um, i don't love 'em
783. labwabbit - 3/29/2001 12:55:35 PM
Dedicated to Ace:
A high school English teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final
exam." Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his
hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle
their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well
Ace, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
(Hmm..standards have been relaxed a bit around here I see).
784. RosettaStone - 3/29/2001 12:57:00 PM
Too bad, duck. Maybe you started down the wrong path when your "mother"
didn't breast feed you as a baby.
785. Fielding - 3/29/2001 1:02:56 PM
Rosie:
What's your excuse?
786. rubberducky - 3/29/2001 1:09:13 PM
perhaps, Rosetta Slide.
perhaps you never fully understood that you
were supposed to be getting 'milk' from your "mother" via two breasts instead of
your "father" via the single hose.
787. CalGal - 3/29/2001 1:29:00 PM
Well, I don't love 'em either. In fact, large breasts can be a hassle. Most
clothes are made for flatchested women.
Pick your punchline.
788. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 1:36:01 PM
I don't mind em, I just don't see that they're a big deal -- just sacs of fat hanging from one's chest.
789. CalGal - 3/29/2001 1:39:12 PM
Oh, thanks for sharing.
790. Jenerator - 3/29/2001 1:42:09 PM
What about boobs on men? I forget the technical term for men who have side
effects from steroid use that results in "bitch tit".
There are always a
few guys in the gym that have this, and it's sad that they don't seem to care.
791. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 1:46:47 PM
Sorry, but that's what they are. Oh sure there's ductwork as well, but that's
dormant for most of our lives.
I wonder if men romaticize breasts
because they're ususally covered up or if they're covered up because men
romanticize them. Maybe if men saw more uncovered tits they wouldn't think
they're such a big deal.
792. CalGal - 3/29/2001 1:49:27 PM
I know that's what they are. I also know that an egg is the byproduct of the hen's menstrual system. I just don't need anyone to tell me.
793. ChristinO - 3/29/2001 1:51:10 PM
awww, I think boobs are great. I prefer smaller breasts to larger aesthetically, but all in all I'm a fan. My own, other people's, it doesn't matter. I mean, can you think of a friendlier bodypart?
794. RosettaStone - 3/29/2001 1:51:46 PM
I hate the word "tits" and think it's unladylike for you to use them, bubba.
795. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 1:54:07 PM
Bubbaetitee:
They are a big deal, dear, and the really nice ones are
a very big deal. As for the taste of homosexuals, well... I really don't know
much about that except for the pictures that Cellar has been posting recently.
Rid'em cowboy
!!!
796. CalGal - 3/29/2001 1:54:33 PM
I mean, can you think of a friendlier bodypart?
Yes, I
think knees and elbows should get more credit. They do a hell of a lot of work,
take a lot of damage on our behalf, and what do they get for it?
797. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 1:56:00 PM
The feet are the unsung, unglamorous heroes.
798. Francis Urquhart - 3/29/2001 1:56:26 PM
For me, breasts are the critical top to the majestic hourglass form. As a component of that package, they are not to be denigrated or trifled with.
799. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 1:56:45 PM
But elbows are bony and intrusive and don't make nice pillows.
800. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 1:58:40 PM
Feet aren't friendly either. But boy do they do a lot of work and rarely
complain.
Breasts are the friendliest. They just stick out there saying,
"Hey, wanna crash with me for a while?"
801. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 2:01:57 PM
"Hey, wanna crash with these for a while?" 
802. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:04:04 PM
There are really only three breast sizes. Ask any woman about her breasts and she will say either "too small", "too big", or "I ain't complaining".
803. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 2:06:39 PM
Men want breasts to come in the same sizes as French fries at a fastfood joint: medium, large, and jumbo.
804. Toenails - 3/29/2001 2:06:55 PM
I like left ones.
805. Toenails - 3/29/2001 2:07:46 PM
And right ones.
806. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:10:41 PM
Indy,
Moving outside the realm of porn, jumbo breasts usually don't
sell any better than being overweight sells. Of course, outside the realm of
porn, jumbo breasts usually go hand in hand with extra weight.
807. ChristinO - 3/29/2001 2:18:01 PM
Bubba & Indy,
My point exactly. Nobody was ever bludgeoned to
death by boobies although I'm sure there are volunteers for the experience.
808. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 2:19:33 PM
Cal: Must we move outside the realm of porn?
That's like
saying outside the covers of Motor Trend and other similar magazines,
most cars actually sold in America costs less than $80,000.
Seriously, I don't particularly go for B-52s myself, but
strangely, the older I get the more of a breast man I've become. I would have
thought it would work the other way.
809. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:19:34 PM
I suspect that more people, in total, pillow their head on their arm and
elbow than they do on breasts--theirs or anyone else's.
810. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:21:46 PM
I would have thought it would work the other way.
No,
that's the way I think it would work. Perky tits with no sag is quintessentially
youthful.
811. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 2:22:36 PM
I suspect that more people, in total, pillow their head on their arm and
elbow than they do on breasts--theirs or anyone else's.
That makes
me sad.
But you're likely right, because it's hard for you to lay on
someone else's chest if he's laying on yours.
812. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:23:57 PM
Indy,
I wasn't trying to diss jumbo. I was just pointing out that in
the real world, abnormally large breasts are usually a problem--particularly if
you aren't overweight.
So for all guys' fascination with jumbo in
porn, I have a feeling that 36-38C or D is probably the most successful in real
life. 40 on the outside.
813. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 2:32:47 PM
the number represents how large the rib cage is while the letter represents how large the breast is. So the 34 - 36 range would be those with less body fat. I suspect (but don't know for a fact) that most women are a B or C cup.
814. CalGal - 3/29/2001 2:36:53 PM
Yeah, but there are very few 32Ds--although 38As aren't uncommon. Besides,
32D goes back to being too big--it's out of proportion and looks just a bit odd.
In real life, obviously, since it's probably quite normal in porn.
A is
one inch over horizontal, B is two, and so on. I believe 34B is the average cup
size.
815. Toenails - 3/29/2001 2:47:59 PM
How long is this thread supposed to last? I mean, it's good for twice as
long as the average topic, but....
816. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 2:52:54 PM
Toenails: Ace keeps changing the name of it--despite saying he would only
change it once. So far, I've thought the Cockpit was the best, with Ace's Hole a
distant second.
It's not really supposed to be a thread on "Jugs."
Ace has a short, impatient attention span. That's why he and FU make a
good team.
Don't forget: Fire + Ice = Warm Spit
817. AceofSpades - 3/29/2001 3:31:40 PM
I've decided to go with the Thread with No Name title.
I'm gonna
keep changing the title, too. What the hell? If you guys decide to start taling
about Vaginas, I'll change the title to Vaginas. Might as well announce what the
hot topic is right in the title, no?
818. CalGal - 3/29/2001 3:32:35 PM
Penis.
There.
Now you can call the thread "Cock Talk".
819. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 3:45:43 PM
Is a penis "friendly"?
Is its friendliness akin to that of a used-car
salesman?
The body's most unfriendly part: testicles.
Testicles
don't even like their owner messing with 'em.
Testicles are like the
penis's guilty conscience. Mr. Penis sings, "I am rubber, you are glue. Shit
bounces off me and sticks to you."
The scrotum is basically a wrinkled
mad scientist who has created this super powerful monster (the penis) that
constantly gets Old Shriveled Nuts in trouble. "Dammit, Dick, I told you this
was bad idea! Now you've got us all caught in a vise..."
Dick Penis: Not
now, old man. Can't you see I'm busy? Hell, I can break through solid brick
walls. Watch me go! Wow, this is fun!!!
Professor Nuts: Sure, sure,
hotshot, but find us some place to unload this radioactive waste before it
explodes and kills us all.
820. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 3:48:56 PM
Bill Clinton = penis
Al Gore = scrotum
821. Fielding - 3/29/2001 3:53:01 PM
Dick Cheney = Rectum.
822. RosettaStone - 3/29/2001 4:17:50 PM
George Bush==The Brain
823. ChristinO - 3/29/2001 4:21:33 PM
LOL! That's the funniest thing you've said all week, Rosie!
824. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 4:25:34 PM
George Bush=Smegma
825. iiibbb - 3/29/2001 4:28:40 PM
Message # 790
gynecomastia
826. Jenerator - 3/29/2001 4:31:11 PM
Thank you!! It's been driving me nuts. Plus, up here at work, the server won't allow me to look up "witch tit" or "bitch tit".
827. alistairconnor - 3/29/2001 4:33:02 PM
Smegmatism. The essential quality of the Bush administration.
Bush is
a down to earth, smegmatic man.
828. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 4:36:56 PM
Bush = 1/2 liver + 1/2 brain
829. Jenerator - 3/29/2001 4:43:22 PM
830. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 4:44:14 PM
Hey, now!
Ace said no nipples.
831. bubbaette - 3/29/2001 4:46:37 PM
Hey! No porn without warning, Jen. It's against the law for us state employees to be looking at nipples while using state equipment.
832. Jenerator - 3/29/2001 4:50:07 PM
Sorry, I figured that since it was a guy, it'd be acceptable.
It's Bill Clinton in a bathing suit folks. Is that flirtatious
Rosetta?
833. Indiana Jones - 3/29/2001 4:53:05 PM
Since a guy it's less acceptable.
Equal time! Equal time!
834. Jenerator - 3/29/2001 5:00:18 PM
Here, then. This is for the guys.
835. Jon Ferguson - 3/29/2001 5:05:28 PM
I have a much simpler method of enlarging my penis.
836. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 5:54:02 PM
This is for the guys.
Not for Mote guys.
837. Uzmakk - 3/29/2001 6:17:29 PM
Message # 829 I cannot say that I find Ace's jugs very attractive.
838. wonkers2 - 3/29/2001 9:44:50 PM
Jen, Cap'n Dirty sez, "Mine's not very big around but it's short!"
839. rubberducky - 3/30/2001 10:50:39 AM
here's a joke that isn't about 'Jugs' but a little further south...
Do you know how a near sighted gynecologist is like a dog?
They both have wet noses!
840. Indiana Jones - 3/30/2001 11:47:10 AM
Best get this in before the next name change: 
841. Fielding - 3/30/2001 11:57:25 AM
Get what in?
842. Indiana Jones - 3/30/2001 12:08:43 PM
Your content filtered, Fielding? Can't you see the lovely Nikkala? I was sorely disappointed you had no comments about Ms. Connelly yesterday.
843. Fielding - 3/30/2001 12:40:37 PM
The Jennifer Connelly picture was not filtered, and was indeed lovely. Very
impressive, in fact.
844. jexster - 3/31/2001 8:08:55 PM
I like Ace's jugs
845. vonKreedon - 4/2/2001 1:53:07 PM
To add to the penis bashing of a couple of days ago:
30 HARSH THINGS
A WOMAN PROSPECTIVE SEX PARTNER CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN" -
1.
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't
we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it
dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so
big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze
it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I
be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This
explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God
punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one
like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right
to the
cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk
first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a
good thing you have so many other
talents.
28. Does it come with an air
pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge
people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
846. marshame - 4/2/2001 2:22:49 PM
Hilarious!!!!!!!!!!
847. wabbit - 4/2/2001 4:03:06 PM
848. wonkers2 - 4/2/2001 4:21:47 PM
Cap'n Dirty sez "What about some complimentary things?"
Like, "Wow, a
one eyed boa constrictor!"
857. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 2:31:37 AM
I believe I am going to delete all that.
866. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 2:38:46 AM
I have moved a very long bit of spam from jexster to the inferno. You can
read it there.
However, like all of Jexster's spam, you already read it.
Five months ago, and then four months ago, then three months ago, then last
month and the month before that and twice last week.
867. jexster - 4/3/2001 2:39:37 AM
aaaw...poor Ace
868. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 2:43:41 AM
Jexster,
I don't mind if you post. But I'm tired of the same
recycled spam you keep reposting over and over again.
869. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 2:43:43 AM
Jexster,
I don't mind if you post. But I'm tired of the same
recycled spam you keep reposting over and over again.
870. ScottLoar - 4/3/2001 7:53:08 AM
Good thread title. Cruel, but wry.
871. RosettaStone - 4/3/2001 8:04:16 AM
Shouldn't there be a comma between the adjectives?
872. RickNelson - 4/3/2001 8:55:46 AM
Well, now isn't this special.
Aren't puppies cute.
Their
cuddly, and furry, their eyes are so, so, puppy-like.
Isn't that just
Great!!
mmm... I feel so goooodddd.
Slobber, gibber, and a bubble forms from
the spittle between my lips.
873. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 9:19:38 AM
Up next: "Ace's Frontal Lobotomy Thread"
Some country music happytalk
love titles:
874. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 9:35:22 AM
Twenty lines to express bad attitude, many usable to lift level of Mote
discourse:
1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I
have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be
screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the
first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain
silent, so please SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places
to hide the bodies.
10. Yeah, you have feelings too. But like...who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing..6
minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next
14. Please don't make me
kill you.
15. And your point is...?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but
we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'm one of
those bad things that happen to good people.
19. How can I miss you if you
won't go away?
20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
875. Fielding - 4/3/2001 9:38:41 AM
Indy:
Where do you find these? You are a great man.
876. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 9:47:36 AM
Trying to get my content spamming in before such behavior is outlawed:
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
---Women's restroom,
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's
"Hi, how are you?"
--- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
No
matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with
her shit.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas
Express Lane: Five beers or less
---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed
Debevics's, Beverly Hills, CA
You're too good for him.
---Sign over
mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you
always go home alone.
---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevics's,
Beverly Hills, CA
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast
plate open.
---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is
only a light switch away.
---Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North
Carolina.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my
standards.
---Houghto Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
If
voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
---Revolution Books,
New York, New York
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die.
---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
What are you
looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hand.
---Men's restroom,
Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
877. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 10:26:15 AM
Ace,
Hi friend. I was wondering which movie is your favorite:
Terms of Endearment
Steel Magnolias
Bridges of Madison County
StepMom
The English Patient
878. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 10:32:29 AM
Francis,
What do you like better:
Purple
Unicorns
Rainbows
PowerPuff Girls
My Little Pony
Fabio
879. Fielding - 4/3/2001 11:02:34 AM
Jen:
Ace prefers Steel Magnolias.
FU prefers My Little
Pony.
880. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 11:19:07 AM
I suspected as much.
881. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 11:22:30 AM
Fielding: If you're made co-host, you can add the link to the 'scotch bar.
Page 3 girls
882. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 2:29:22 PM
Look, we all know this thread sucks.
We all know *I* suck, and
I've fucked this whole thing up.
Since I've already declared Francis and
VK as enemies of the day, maybe I should be the enemy of the day.
Let's
face it, I whined and bitched to get this thread and it just sucks ass.
883. Francis Urquhart - 4/3/2001 2:33:46 PM
No niche.
No foundation.
No exit strategy.
This
thread is the Mote's Vietnam.
884. Francis Urquhart - 4/3/2001 2:35:15 PM
And I think its suckiness, as it skitters from doofy headline to doofy headline, is punishment enough, Ace.
885. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 2:36:08 PM
Call in airstrikes.
886. Fielding - 4/3/2001 2:38:10 PM
Notice how they both show up at the same time? They're probably holding
hands.
887. Francis Urquhart - 4/3/2001 2:38:53 PM
Zips in the wire . . . I repeat . . . Zips in the wire . . . for the record, this is my call
888. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 2:41:05 PM
(Dabbing at chin with napkin) No one makes cobbler crust like you, FU. Flakier even than mom's.
889. Fielding - 4/3/2001 2:43:28 PM
Charlie don't surf!
890. glendajean - 4/3/2001 2:44:32 PM
I don't know. I thought the discussion of Broadway musical theater yesterday was pretty vigorous.
891. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 2:48:04 PM
Ace - Your theme of the day idea was good, you just haven't exhibited the
follow through to make it work. Lord knows I've done my best to give you
openings to good naturedly insult me; the nose picking, the description of the
big bad amateur car thieves I sooo intimidated, mis-spelling Gustavus Adolphus
as Agustus Adolphus, you've only picked up on a fraction of the material dude.
Are you depressed? You seem distracted, did your girl leave you, is that
the problem? You can tell us, you know that you can trust us to be utterly
ruthless with the information, so spill.
892. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 2:49:12 PM
This doesn't like a happytalk fun-time thread to me.
893. Francis Urquhart - 4/3/2001 2:50:32 PM
Ace. Put a bullet in Old yeller's head here. I'm begging you. Every minute
that passes is a further diminuition of your cult status.
894. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 2:51:40 PM
We had to kill the village in order to save it.
895. seadate - 4/3/2001 2:54:27 PM
Votes to "put a bullet in it":
Francis
IJones
VonKreedon
jexter
jexter
jexter
jexter
JEXTER
896. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 2:56:53 PM
Haha.
897. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 2:58:23 PM
I did not vote to kill the yellow dog! I say that the dog needs love and
attention, and some well placed kicks from a strutting jackboot. Maybe Pelle
should host.
898. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 2:59:17 PM
I don't think this thread sucks per se, it just needs more discussion.
Since I'm not a computer geek, GIRPS talk (whatever it was) doesn't
interest me. Talk about what a sissy-boy Francis is, can only go so far. I mean,
isn't it obvious??
Pics of topless women get old, too.
The men
in here need to do something to get more women involved.
899. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:01:27 PM
Pics of topless women get old, too.
So much for your opinion.
Besides, I aint seen nairy a one yet on this blighted yeller dog's ass.
900. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:02:41 PM
Jen - A couple of notes:
- GURPS has nothing to do with
computer geeks, it has to do with fantasy obsessed role playing geeks.
- Do
not, do not tell us about how the women in the pictures are going to get old, it
only reminds us that we are getting old.
Thank you.
901. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:03:50 PM
Jen:
"I don't think this thread sucks per se, it just needs more
discussion."
True
"Since I'm not a computer geek,
GIRPS talk (whatever it was) doesn't interest me. Talk about what a sissy-boy
Francis is, can only go so far. I mean, isn't it obvious??"
True
"The men in here need to do something to get more women
involved."
True.
"Pics of topless women get old,
too."
Whaa??
902. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:04:02 PM
Explain what GORPS stands for one more time, vonK.
Please.
903. glendajean - 4/3/2001 3:04:08 PM
Count me out on the nekkid women pictures.
904. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:06:27 PM
Damn it, it's GURPS, stands for Generic Universal Role Playing System. A
completely superior system of role playing in that it allows the context to be
anything, not just trapped in some loser D&D dungeon scenario. You can even
use it to create your own real self, in character sheet form, and play with
yourself!
905. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 3:07:11 PM
Okay fine, I'll admit that I can kind of understand why pics of womens
boobies don't get old. Y'all are men, I need to remember that.
But can we
please talk about something of significance?
VonK,
Does
role-playing ever bleed into real life?
906. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:08:19 PM
Doesn't "generic universal" seem like overkill?
Playing with myself
doesn't sound like much fun.
Especially in character sheet form.
907. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:08:51 PM
Nasty paper cuts and all.
908. seadate - 4/3/2001 3:09:32 PM
You can even use it to create your own real self, in character sheet form,
and play with yourself!
Buncha guys who can't get a date?
909. Francis Urquhart - 4/3/2001 3:09:42 PM
Kill the thing, already.
910. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:11:36 PM
I want to live!
911. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:12:04 PM
We could to get dates, if we wanted, but that would have seriously cut
into gaming time.
IJ - Yeah, the paper cuts are a bitch. And Jen, yes,
the paper cuts bleed into real life.
912. bubbaette - 4/3/2001 3:13:09 PM
Oh kwitcherbitchin. This lil short-lived thread already has more posts than longer-running threads. Sure it's lame, sure it's tedious -- what did you expect with Ace as host?
913. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:13:27 PM
vonK: You cohost with Ace and I'll play BURPS with you.
Honest.
914. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:14:52 PM
Shit, it's GURPS, it's a role playing system not something you do to a
baby.
There's not enough time to both host and play, sorry.
915. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:16:00 PM
So SLURPS doesn't have anything equivalent to a dungeon master?
What
was all that campaign stuff you were talking about?
916. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:19:54 PM
GURPS!!!
It has a Game Master, a god
like story teller for the group story as it emerges from the subtle and
cooperative interplay of the players.
917. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:20:56 PM
Well, you be game master, and I'll be either Stinky or Bundleass.
Let's play PERPS!
918. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:23:57 PM
No not PERPS, that's a different and extremely limited system; Police
Emergency Role Playing System only works for Hill Street Blues/Third Watch style
campaigns. Dork.
919. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:24:11 PM
What's the name of the game where you pretend that you play for the
University of Mayland and you roll dice and get paper cuts and everything?
920. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:25:54 PM
That's TURPS, Terrapin University Role Playing System. Boring, painfully
boring.
921. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:26:38 PM
Whatever. I'm rolling up my abilities now. How many dice do I roll?
BTW, Jen, if you're around you can play too.
922. bubbaette - 4/3/2001 3:27:42 PM
Not to mention slow-moving.
923. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:28:09 PM
"Your theme of the day idea was good, you just haven't exhibited the follow
through to make it work"
Vk,
I've been extraodinarily busy.
Something strange has come up. It's a good thing, but it takes all my free time.
Including my free time at work.
When I tell you guys what it is, IF I
tell you what it is, oh my god goodness gracious, are you going to laugh.
Especially you, Vk.
924. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:28:24 PM
IJ you are the Dorkus Maximus, you don't roll your character like some
random D&D loser. You craft your character according to the parameters that
the GM gives you. You don't have any parameters so cool your jets Max.
Jen can play though.
925. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:30:10 PM
Ace - Did you get my email? So your girlfriend didn't leave you for a
yellow dog, something good happened? Are you sure you're not in denial about the
break up?
926. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:31:03 PM
Did someone say FERC's? Very timely, given the California utilities crisis. But how is it a game??
927. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:31:04 PM
I only play GOPRPS, the Grand Old Party Role Play System. By slaying fearsome liberal trolls, I hope to accumulate enough "Kill Points" to advance through the ranks of Conservatism to one day become a dreaded Arch-Conservative.
928. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:32:13 PM
My Patron Saint is William F. Buckley. He has 400 hit points.
929. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:32:45 PM
Can I be Vivica Worthingham? She's young and rich and beautiful, and a master of martial arts and a part-time rock star sensation.
930. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:33:09 PM
Francis Urquhart is my "familiar." When he's around, I get +2 to my
hit points. I use him as a scout and to retrieve stuff, like articles on
Lexis/Nexus.
931. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:33:58 PM
FU takes the form of a small black weasel. I carry him around in a
shoulder-pouch, sort of like "Beastmaster" did.
932. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:34:01 PM
Oh and she's also a republican party operative and strategic mastermind.
933. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:34:17 PM
I call him "Scratcher."
934. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:34:49 PM
About those parameters...
I want maximum stamina so I can carry a
"full load."
If you get my drift, gm.
Familiar?
Jen can
be my familiar.
935. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:34:51 PM
Marsha - Failing Energy Regulation Competitive System (FERCS) is a very high
stakes type of gaming, too rich for my blood.
Ace - What are you at this
point, a HobGOPlin?
936. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:35:02 PM
Can someone explain the basics of the game to me? I started out once in a D&D circle, but the leader went to prison, so that was the end of it, and I never did get the fine points, like how to play.
937. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:35:20 PM
Scratcher, go find me Al Gore's statements on the need to protect unborn
children. Godspeed, Scratcher, and good luck!
938. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:37:00 PM
The problem is that whatever you send Scratcher out for he ways returns
with either bundt cake or a Llama.
939. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 3:39:18 PM
Francis can host the TWIRPS game.
In any case, I'll play, just
tell me who I need to be.
940. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:40:22 PM
My character is Russell Crowe. Everyone is vulnerable to my charms unless
they have the +3 Jody Foster breastplate of indifference.
I'm glad that
Jen is Indy's familiar, cause that will make things twice as exciting.
941. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:40:44 PM
FURQS: Role-play your choice of a mincing British politician, a suave but deceased LA policeman, or a meaningless string of numbers.
942. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:41:20 PM
I think VonKreedon should host a D&D/Gurps game.
The liberals
can all be "Good" (Orthodox liberals=lawful good, neoliberal/apostates =
chaoitic good) and the conservatives, sigh, can be "Evil" (Fundamentalist/social
conservatives = Lawful Evil; fiscal conservatives, but social moderates, can be
Chaotic Evil).
Liberatarians are Chaotic Neutral/Evil.
We can
all make up "character sheets," and then we can fight, with VonKreedon "GMimg."
943. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:41:31 PM
Ok, I've got IJ and Jen. What sort of game should we play? I could bring
back the Dumb and Vicious horror campaign, any interest? Or do you want
something more traditional like the Eldritch Mirror of Doom?
944. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:42:21 PM
When do I get start calling Indy "Quaid"?
945. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:42:59 PM
wow, too deep fo me. unless the LA cop is really Russell Crowe.
946. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 3:43:20 PM
IJ,
I'll be your familiar, but only if you promise that it's
something cool.
947. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:43:51 PM
Reverse the Chaotic Good/Lawful Good thing, so that socially
conservative/economically liberal liberals can be Chaotic Good, and thus the
archnemeses of the Lawful Evil religious conservatives.
948. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:43:52 PM
vonK: You're the "godlike" GM. We are putty in your hands.
949. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:44:15 PM
Oh, hey, and about his hair at the academy awards. I mean, c'mon,
really.
Picture total ego-centric, egotistical, narciscistic arrogance,
and you have Russell Crowe at the Academy Awards.
so why do I still love
him???
950. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:44:53 PM
God Ace you are soo D&D, people aren't inherently aligned with
arbitrary "good" "evil" "chaos" "order" concepts, so why should our characters
be so inflexibly constrained. Have some imagination...oh, that's right you're a
Repub, sorry.
951. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:45:21 PM
Jen: It'll at least be cooler than being Scratcher.
952. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:45:34 PM
I'm a Neutral Evil Assassin.
I specialize in sneak attacks, or
"Cheap Shots." When an opponent leaves himself open to a "Cheap Shot," I attack
at +3 and with a +3d6 damage bonus.
I also have a "Gauntlet of calling
someone a Homo." When I wear this, I can call people a homo.
953. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:45:36 PM
Do we get to wear costumes in this game?
954. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:45:37 PM
so why do I still love him???
He has a 19 charisma.
955. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:46:37 PM
Fielding
Does "inch" factor in there anywhere????
956. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:47:50 PM
Vk,
I did not get your email, by the way. The email address
listed for me is no longer working.
You can send it to my yahoo account,
Kevin_Blackthorne(oh, god)@yahoo.com.
957. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:47:57 PM
Do you take the gauntlet off when you are playing with yourself? If not the
gauntlet has a latent homoerotica spell attached, eh?
958. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:48:07 PM
I'm a druid.
Right now I'm getting ready to cast my "detect
temperature" spell. It's accurate within +/- 10 degrees, but works only
outdoors.
959. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:48:51 PM
I guess that makes me a member of the Green Party.
960. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 3:48:56 PM
IJ,
I cannot be a Pokemon character or some weird animal/mineral. I
must have sort of cool persona, power or presence.
961. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:49:50 PM
Indy,
Use your "Distract Dogs" spell. The material component is a
ratty old tennis ball which, when hurled, causes all dogs within a range of 100'
to chase the ball as if it were the Holy Fucking Grail itself.
There is
no saving throw allowed.
962. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:52:01 PM
You can also use your "Invisibility to Cats" spell.
When cast,
you become invisible to cats, and they completely ignore you, despite the fact
you shelter and feed them and maintain their very fucking lives. You also become
silent to cats, so when you say "Here, precious," they just walk away and rub
themselves on a doorjamb.
963. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:52:34 PM
Jen
I've already snagged Vivica Worthingham as my character. See Message # 929 and Message # 932.
964. Fielding - 4/3/2001 3:53:22 PM
I see my "Distract Ace from his important project" spell has worked.
965. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:54:00 PM
Druids can also use the "Leash of Berserk Behavior." When this leash is
picked up and jingled, all dogs withing 50' will go OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS
panting and jumping up and down like friggin' lunatics.
When the leash
is then put down again, the dogs suffer -3 to their Morale.
966. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:54:03 PM
Jen:
You can be a dryad. Click below for details--especially the
charm person spell. 
They're often familiars to druids.
967. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:54:17 PM
Ah, but the Distract Dogs spell has the Return Damp Ball spell attached to it until you learn the Throw Pretend Ball spell at a high enough level to overcome the negative die modifiers.
968. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 3:55:02 PM
Blackthorne-san, mail on way.
969. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 3:55:11 PM
Errrr, Ace, some of those spells require second level.
I don't
know if vonK will alllow me to start out with such might.
970. marshame - 4/3/2001 3:55:47 PM
And then there's the Slobber Reducer spell, which is a *must* with the Distract Dogs spell.
971. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 3:56:28 PM
Marshame,
Who could I be?
972. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 3:58:14 PM
My Dog:
6th level fucking Moron
Advantages:
Drooling. Will drool all over you, causing you to retreat in horror.
Shake Hands. Can shake hands, giving a +3 reaction check.
Shit
on the Fucking Lawn. Can shit all over your fucking lawn, which means you must
spend five to fifteen (2d6+3) minutes cleaning up after the moron.
Disadvantages:
Becomes "Feebleminded" when travelling in Car.
Activating the turn signal/blinker will cause him to whip his head towards the
dashboard and stare at the amazing blinking light until it is turned off.
Moron. He is a moron. Suffers -3 to all intelligence checks.
973. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:00:10 PM
Indy,
I like this part:
The dryad's use of her ability to
charm is not limited to combat situations, however. Whenever a dryad encounters
a male with a Charisma of 16 or more, she usually tries to charm him.
Charismatic victims of a dryad's attentions are taken to the tree sprite's home,
where the men serve as amorous slaves to their beautiful captors. There is a 50%
chance that a person charmed and taken away by a dryad will never return. If he
does escape from the dryad's charms, it will be after 1d4 years of
captivity.
But, are you only going to use me if you're hanging out
in the woods?
974. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:00:19 PM
Special abilities: Hump Leg as 10th level Pervert.
Immune to
Attacks by Frisbees, Sticks, and Tennis Balls. Any missile attack by a Frisbee,
stick, or tennis ball automatically misses and, indeed, may well end up being
"caught" in the dog's mouth.
975. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:01:47 PM
But, are you only going to use me if you're hanging out in the woods?
Jen: We druids always hang out in the woods.
So I'll be using
you all the time.
976. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:03:29 PM
Okay, so long as I am used and am helpful, I will play the part.
(How'd that sound?)
977. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:04:09 PM
Ace - You say you didn't get my mail, but you continue to avoid the issue
of your state of denial over being left by your girl for a yellow dog. Your
denial is so deep at this point that you are making up character sheets about
dogs and what fucking perverted morons they are.
Get help Ace, or better
yet tell us about the break up and we'll all make fu...I mean be really
supportive of you in this trying time.
978. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:05:08 PM
I need to get me some of that.
Don't Assassins have familiars,
too? Preferably tall blonde dryads.
I think we have familiars. Damnit,
I'm pretty sure of it.
Not only do we have familiars, but we *steal* the
familiars of others, especially pussy nature-loving druids.
979. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:06:30 PM
You don't have "familiars", Assasins have "Side Kicks", now where is
Francie?
980. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:06:30 PM
My charisma is working Indy.
981. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:07:02 PM
That sounds great, Jen.
BTW, assassins have very low charisma.
982. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:07:52 PM
Ace,
Concede now, and you can be my amorous love slave and you'll
live in my tree with me.
983. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:08:00 PM
But we have lotsa money.
It's all about the Benjamins.
984. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:08:13 PM
(Hurriedly preparing "Make dog turn on assassin owner" spell.)
985. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:08:30 PM
Jen,
You got it. Where can I park?
986. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:10:03 PM
Indy,
Ace is my first conquered love-slave. Now what, do I put him to
work or do you?
987. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:12:03 PM
Assassins can live off the land. We have excellent survival skills.
I am +5 at Eating Bush.
I suggest you put me to work
immediately.
988. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:12:09 PM
Ace - you don't find a place to park when enslaved by a Dryad, you find a
place to bark, and not like that idiot dog of yours. Oooh, look at the dog
sniffing the tree.....
989. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:13:07 PM
Druids always need a good yardboy.
Their lawns look like hell.
990. Jenerator - 4/3/2001 4:17:44 PM
Ace,
I want you to enjoy your new home and I know that you will come
in very, very handy. I submit to Indy in the sense that he must tell me what he
thinks is appropriate for you to do. Meanwhile, let me feed you some steak with
an ice-cold beer.
991. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:21:33 PM
Jen: This looks like the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Make sure Ace gets nothing tastier than that steak and we'll all just get along fine.
992. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:24:46 PM
Ok, fine...
993. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:25:13 PM
I am preparing...
994. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:25:42 PM
to cast...
995. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:25:52 PM
Oh no you don't
996. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:26:05 PM
the mighty...
997. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:26:34 PM
Millenial...
998. seadate - 4/3/2001 4:26:39 PM
Real Men
999. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:26:47 PM
Mine
1000. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:26:53 PM
spell!
1001. seadate - 4/3/2001 4:27:04 PM
Do
1002. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:27:09 PM
Damn
1003. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:27:24 PM
Shit. I missed it.
1004. seadate - 4/3/2001 4:27:34 PM
bitch!
1005. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:27:37 PM
A HA! The Co-Host is Mine...Mine I tell you!!!
1006. Fielding - 4/3/2001 4:27:38 PM
Losers! (except VK).
1007. vonKreedon - 4/3/2001 4:29:18 PM
Well this is fun, but I'm in Dublin and it's time for me to get ready for
bed. Talk to you later.
1008. Indiana Jones - 4/3/2001 4:29:24 PM
Enough happytalk for today, folks. I'm outta here.
Get that campaign
ready, vonK. Me and Jen have some explorin' to do.
1009. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:30:51 PM
The retard Vk is in Dublin and he's sitting on the computer talking
about GURPS.
Yeahp, looks like I've found the perfect cohost.
1010. PelleNilsson - 4/3/2001 4:43:55 PM
Hilarious! And I'm saying this even as I'm wearing the Patented Herringistani Humour-Impairment Helmet with the Stasis Field Attachement (order no. 0001873-261-333).
1011. PelleNilsson - 4/3/2001 4:52:45 PM
OK Herr vonKreedon. You are now a co-host. Don't do anything Ace wouldn't do.
1012. AceofSpades - 4/3/2001 4:59:07 PM
He can do anything he likes. Except for porno.
1013. PelleNilsson - 4/3/2001 5:02:40 PM
He cannot. I, in my Odin incarnation (level 8+ with assorted additions), shall watch over the young neophyte.
1014. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 1:09:47 AM
Found this:
The Drones
The Drones Capsule Review by
Balbinus on 02/04/01
Style: 3 (Average)
Substance: 5 (Excellent!)
The Drones is a fun, light hearted, game for roleplaying the world of PG
Wodehouse's novels. Its also very good.
For those of you who don't
know PG Wodehouse, probably his most famous creations are Bertie Wooster and
Jeeves the butler. Bertie Wooster is an upper-class English twit living in
1920's London, Jeeves is his impeccable and highly intelligent manservant. The
humour of the novels comes from wry observation of Bertie and his not especially
bright pals and the contrast with the brilliant Jeeves, who repeatedly saves the
day with his unflappable British reserve and his immense intelligence.
Those of you interested in learning more about PG Wodehouse and his work
should follow the following link:
http://www.smart.net/~tak/wodehouse.html
1015. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 1:11:32 AM
"All PCs are members of The Drones Club, Dover St., a London club for
generally idle young men. New members are put up for election by existing
members..."
...
Character creation in The Drones is quick and
relatively painless. Characters are built on points and constructed from four
attributes - The Readies (how well off a chap is), The Old Grey Matter (how
clever a chap is), The Outer Crust (how well presented a chap is) and Vim &
Vigour (how sporty and athletic a chap is). ...
This section also shows
starting cash and purchases (done in broad terms, you don't keep track of every
purchase in The Drones, its not that sort of game) and how much alcohol a chap
can take before getting squiffy.
Ha, ha. I don't know if
there are any Wodehouse fans out there, but it sounds like a funny game.
1016. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 1:12:13 AM
The game can be found here:
http://www.granta.demon.co.uk/drones/
1017. Stumbo - 4/4/2001 1:52:32 AM
I'll be Bingo. vK can be Gussie.
Pelle can be Sir Roderick.
1018. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 10:23:07 AM
Hey Ace - Am I supposed to receive some sort of Grimoire of the Host? How
am supposed to learn the neccessary spells, like the Spell of Renaming and the
dread Spell of Casting Into the Inferno?
I've got an idea for today's
theme, but I need to rename the thread, naturally.
1019. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 10:57:35 AM
When is the campaign starting, vonK?
BTW, when my familiar is around
my druid's "staff" increases to a +9" staff of power.
After 20 to 30
minutes of use, however, it emits a potent "globules of goo" spell that adheres
to everything but does little damage otherwise.
Then the staff must be
recharged before it will function properly again. The material component for
recharging it is a can of beer and one to two cigarettes.
1020. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 10:59:00 AM
1021. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 10:59:55 AM
Hard to imagine this thread could get even more geeky, but obviously it's
going to.
Man Thread, my eye.
1022. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:08:42 AM
Ok, the theme of the day is bad Moting. All postings must be in
violations of commonly accepted norms. This means that you should cut and past
long exerpts from elswhere. You should post pointless insults. You should post
about religion and homes/gardens.
Of course any post that does not meet
the hosts' rigorous, yet vague and secretive, parameters will be summarily
deleted or randomly moved.
Laisser les mal temp roulez! (pardon my
French)
1023. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:10:19 AM
1024. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:10:53 AM
What an extraordinarily bad idea, VonK.
You have my congratulations.
1025. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:11:27 AM
One of the potential consequenses of the theme may be that Jex ends up spending more time here than in Politics!
Ace's World pt. 2
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